My 2020 Mantra : ACCOUNTABILITY !

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term mantra. It is  a statement or slogan that is repeated frequently.  I chose accountability because for a long time I have not made others accountable for the things that they have done to me in the past or present but I have grown to realize that if I want others to take accountability then I need to start with myself. I need to be the one who points at myself and accept the things that I could do better, the actions that I can take in order to be at peace with the things that are going on around me and just over all being honest with myself. This means being honest about the  things that I want and need even if that means I have to lose things and people along the way.

I came up with a list of three things that I will practice when analyzing a situation where accountability needs to be taken;

  1. ASK FOR CLARITY ! – If I am in a situation and I am assuming , then I need to immediately check myself and ask questions in order to know whats going on and possibly stop a problem before it happens.
  2. UNDERSTAND MY FEELINGS ARE VALID If I am feeling some type of way SAY IT! Don’t let those around me be in the dark about how I feel.  If I am not OK; I need to be sure to speak up and be HEARD.
  3.  EVALUATE IF THIS PERSON/THING IS DOING ME HARM OR GOOD – Take a step back a ask myself if the things or people are causing me harm and can I learn to love them from a distance. 2016-05-13_1610

There has been such a long process in my journey to self love and healing and this has been the toughest part yet. Sometimes we don’t want to hear that we just ” AIN’T SH*T”.

We want to hear all the good things people have to say about us even if they aren’t always true. We want to believe that 10 years from now we are going to be happily married with the spouse we have now even if we know deep down they are cheating little boys who refuse to grow up. We want to believe my friend would never do that. But we all know he/she WILL.

Accountability is about WANTING to be honest no matter if it hurts. To take the burden of holding in secrets or not acknowledging that fact that we are not perfect. It is about knowing that we are TRYING !

 

It’s Me…I’M BITCHES!

I don’t know who needs to hear this but sometimes I  just DON’T ! LOL When I mean I don’t , sometimes I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to leave my house or do anything and I definitely don’t want to wear a bra or pants.

I just want to sit in my house turn off my phone, turn my music up and chill alone. I have always been a person who enjoys solitude which may seem odd to some being that i’m a mother of six. But I have always been a loner. I like to enjoy the silence, when everyone is asleep; I like to get up early in the morning and look out the window right before the sun has fully risen. There is something about being alone that brings me peace.

Having an already hectic schedule there are times that I just don’t want to be the ” go to person,” and  I don’t want to talk to friends about pointless things. Although they know me well enough to know when I am not feeling anything, and when to leave me be until I come out of my shell. It took me a long time to learn what peace and solitude was and now that I have found it and have the courage to keep it I cherish it.

Most people think that I’m mean and irritable but for a long time I ran myself dry. Giving love advice every five minutes when my life was in shambles, cooking and cleaning for the kids and doing pointless favors for whomever needed it. I did all of this KNOWING that I didn’t want to most of the time. I got to the point that when I say LEAVE ME ALONE I damn well meant it.

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I used to be so afraid to speak up and take time for myself or let others know that being physically drained from giving so much is a real thing. Understanding that people need to recharge and take time for themselves has to be understood. I need my time to gather thoughts, to find my sanity through my meditation and sometimes isolate myself from the world and outside noise in order for me to be OK ! We are so consumed in chaos and drama that we forget to take care of ourselves and preserve our peace. I always encourage people to spend time with themselves in order to connect with what their soul needs in order to be at peace. 

 

Viva La Honey V.

Whew it was a weekend. I spent my 32nd birthday in Las Vegas. For something this isn’t anything major and to be honest I could not see what all the hype was about but I enjoyed myself. I seen new things and new people but overall I got a new perspective on the things that I need to work on changing in the upcoming year.

 

I need to learn to let loose more. I am always such a planner and I have to have everything planned and organized and it truly takes the fun out of just simply living. I am always caught up in the next thing that I cant see right in front of me and the things that I should be cherishing. The fact that I wake up in the morning and have one more day to make something of myself, the fact that my children are growing into such amazing little human beings, I have a home, a job, a car and I have accomplished so many things in such a short time that I should be so much more grateful that I am.

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I know that deep down we all try to remain humble because we know at anytime things could change and that feeling consumes me on a day to day basis. Five years ago I was in the worse place of my life, no car, homeless , and hungry and to build my self back up to the place that I am today. I am so determined to never go back to that, I constantly worry about everything and I have become such an uptight person to others when that is not who I truly am.

This trip ( even though it was only 4 days long ) taught me that it is OK to live a little. I can have some fun, stick my feet in the sand and have a drink or two! There is nothing wrong with enjoying the things that I worked hard for. Its OK for Stella to get her groove back once in a while, to have time away from responsibilities and to just overall recharge.

IN OTHER NEWS !!! 

January 5th I released my FIFTH book “The Sun Under a Night Sky” and had the Bookiversary to my Second book ” Rose Petals Under a Reaper’s Robe : Unveiled” on my birthday. It is such an overwhelming feeling and I feel like I am content in my purpose. I have found something that I love, and that I am naturally good at. I can’t wait to share with you the rest of the things that I have in store for myself for the rest of the year.

 

 

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Hello Tranquility!

New year ! And Same me! But more knowledgeable for sure ! 2019 was such a headache for me; it almost broke me but here I stand ! I had my share of disappointments , separated myself from what I found to be toxic to my growth , made mistakes , learned lessons , and got my heart broken on a number of occasions, and I couldn’t understand WHYYYY!

How were these things happening to me when I was doing MY BEST to be open , honest , kinds , helpful and forgiving. How was I walking around with a smile but I was not feeling any peace within. How was I giving love I wasn’t receiving or allowing friends to unload their emotions on me but I couldn’t call them just to say “ hey” without being ignored. How was it I was busting my ass as a mother but I still felt like I was not good enough. IMG_0619

I broke down honestly , I had a moment I let every tear I had been holding within my spirit out, I screamed, and I kicked ! No literally I kicked my Christmas tree down ! I threw glass and I fell to my knees and prayed ! Oddly I asked God for the answers to my questions and the only response I got was “ it’s your time.” And me still feeling unsatisfied I decided that I had to ask myself why I was feeling so let down , so hurt , so unwanted , unloved , unseen and misused by those around me !

Then, Ah Ha I had an epiphany! It was no ones fault but mine why 2019 kicked my behind ! It was me I needed to blame for accepting less than, and selling myself short because I didn’t want to outshine those around. Only because they  couldn’t see what I saw in them. I was the reason I was hurting , giving things to people who wouldn’t do the same for me and I got up with a new outlook!

This year would be a fresh start ! I would use my voice and not just write how I felt on the pages of my books , I would be present in my passions and make the best of it. I would demand the things I give or I would show people the door if they only had intentions of capitalizing off what I could do for them. I would go for everything that I planned for myself even if I failed until I got it right ! I would improve the way that I talked to myself, I would write down my goals and become tunnel vision to any outside noise or negativity that would detour me from my mission.

When I accepted that I can’t save everyone before myself, that love is only what you make it , and I will only be as happy as I allow myself to be I found TRANQUILITY! 

I found peace in knowing that I had more control over how I felt than I gave myself credit for. I was in control of who stayed and went, I had the ability to demand a GOOD love from someone because I DESERVED it, and I didn’t have to maintain friendships based on the history that they held. Most of all I realized that I have been afraid to face who I have always been. The fear that had been holding me back for so long became the very thing that I needed to embrace in order to flourish in the New Year to come. 

I never make new years resolutions but this year I decided to learn more about me, and embrace the flaws I tend to hide and all while reminding myself that everything will be OK as long as i’m putting my best foot forward. So my hope for you , my readers, supporters, family and friends is that you learn to love your broken pieces, and love one another ! 

 

Happy New Year ! – V

7 ways to Unwind on Sunday

Sundays has historically been a day for Church and relaxation! These days it has become an extension for partying ! “Sunday Fun-Days” have become the new thing !

Everyone enjoys Bottomless mimosas and Brunch! But I prefer to RELAX! I utilize my Sundays if time allows for unwinding! To mentally prepare for the week ahead . To allow myself the time to let go of the previous week and to make light of everything weighing on my shoulders ! This is something new I have been forcing myself to try and so far so good. It’s been helping me to feel refreshed and not so overwhelmed. I decided to share the 7 ways I choose to unwind.

1. limiting my social media use !

By Limiting myself to maybe an hour or sometimes completely cutting social media out of my day helps me to focus more on the things around me ! Social media has so many things going on and believe it or not transfers heavy energies to you while scrolling.

2. Staying in!

Keeping myself in doors and preserving my energy allows me the time to enjoy ME instead of sharing what may be the last bit of my energy with the world

3. Catch up on sleep !

We all know with work and other activities we all wish we had a napping hour sometimes ! This is the time to sleep or just rest our bodies.

4. Meditate

This is usually the first thing I do . I wake up while the sun is still rising and do morning stretches and meditate! It allows me to free my mind and spirit of anything negative and take in what’s needed for me to be at peace

5. Write out a plan

A lot of us run around and forget things during the work week. But if we take the time to write out the plan for the week and stick to it as closely as possible it leaves little room to become overwhelmed by curve-balls

6. Spend Time with Family

Having a moment to catch up with family, or have game day is most fun. Catching up on the moments you missed during the busy week can be fulfilling and help you to let loose.

7. Take a Bubble Bath

Enjoying a warm bath, your favorite glass of wine, and bath bomb is always amazing. Spending time relaxing in the water helps for restoration and allows for a good nights sleep.

Of course these tips don’t always have to happen on a Sunday they can happen any time you are just needing a small moment to relax and rebuild your strength. These tips are meant solely to give direction to accomplishing mental peace and spiritual calmness.

Please comment and share your tips to relaxation

Who Heals the Healers?

Often the strong friend or family member has no one to look to in their time of need ! They give in all ways and always to help others find balance and healing within themselves and their lives ! But strong people need healing as well . They need to know they can show their vulnerability and be strong in sharing their emotions. The healer often suffers in silence because they feel as if showing emotion is a sign of weakness to those who look to them for strength. Be mindful of your strong friend/family .

Understand that the strongest people around you carry the most weight and always feel obligated to be a shoulder, an ear , a ride , and an ATM! They feel like if they aren’t there then who else will ! But just like you they need someone to be there.

I know because I have always been the “go to ” and it can be exhausting . Giving and giving and leaving myself the leftovers. And often times I didn’t have anything left to give…ME!c7a4fd4542b18e0448ccfa6aa0df6c39.png

I had to talk to myself and remind myself it’s OK to say no ! It’s OK to not answer my phone and not always be at the beck and call of someone’s else’s problems. Sometimes they needed to learn to solve on their own . The problems were placed in their lives because the universe was teaching them something, and how could they learn if there was always someone like me there to fix the problem for them.

We must look outside ourselves and the selfishness of having someone we can count on and worry about who we can help as well. We all need help from time to time but make sure to check on your strong friends and family

They may need YOU today!

 

 

To Heal

…you must speak.

You must walk in a darkness and hope the prayers you speak only in your darkest moments shed light from your heart.

Tell yourself the only thing in the way of my healing is forgiveness.

Cry tears, kick, scream, and smile at your ability to embrace your hurt,

Be strong enough to mend your soul,

Accept the things that have broken you. Stand tall on the broken pieces and say, “I made it!”

Heal because to be whole is to live abundantly.

 

Poem from “Rose Petals Under a Reaper’s Robe”

 

Black Men: Who do you vent to?

Recently I asked a random question on Facebook just to see the answer. The question was; ” Black men ,who do you vent to ?”

The answers I got were almost all the same.  Many of them did not vent because they don’t trust anyone, felt the women in their lives would throw their feelings in their faces or simply coped by drinking and/or smoking marijuana. I asked this questions unsure of the feedback I would get but the answers made me sad.

How or why is it that Black Men don’t have ANYONE. OR feel they don’t have anyone I should say. I asked the reasoning behind some of these feelings and a lot of the men said they have been taught that it is weak to show emotion or told that no one cares how they feel.  They stated they were  programmed to suck it up and go on about their lives while burying their problems. It made me wonder  what makes men think that their feelings don’t matter or that they are weak for having emotions. Its what makes us human and I started to ask myself where it begins. Naturally understanding home is our first teacher. bmtweet2

I have four sons and I sometimes used to find myself telling them to ” stop crying like a little girl” and then I changed my ways. Not only little girls cry, HUMANS cry! We cry because were happy, sad, and angry. And it is OK ! Showing emotion doesn’t make a man weak, or vulnerable it makes a man strong and confident enough in himself to show that he cares. Not only cares about what is going on with him or the things around him but shows the courage to want to talk about his inner pains or concerns in order to get help and work on his issues.

I think naturally parents sometimes say certain things or make statements and don’t allow themselves to explain to the child what it means. When I talk to my sons I allowed myself to be open and honest. I told  them that as men they are the protectors so they are seen as strength but they also have emotions and they have a right to be heard. I tell them they have to learn not everyone will be receptive to their abilities to talk about their feelings BUT as longs as they get it out in a healthy manner then that’ s what counts the most.

The black community has to do a better job of working together in allowing black boys and men to be  vulnerable. WE have to try and change our own thoughts about what it means to be weak. We have to stop allowing ourselves to believe that crying is for girls only or talking to a therapist is somehow a bad things We need outlets!! Allowing black men to bottle up their emotions and pretend they don’t have them only hurts them in the long run. It affects their communication , their ability to trust and connect with others and in their romantic relationships. Bottled up anger leads to disastrous things. Lets protect Black Men and their mental health.