I’ve come to realize that your spouse being jealous of you is a REAL THING ! I mean think about it ! Have you ever been in the middle of a real glow up and the first person you want to give the good news to is your love . And the first thing out their mouth is the total opposite of excitement ? Or a dry response like ” that’s nice ”
Even the times you have such amazing ideas that you expect the world to look at you crazy for and you assume you can tell your partner and all they have to say is ” no, you can’t do that ” But WHY? Where does the jealousy come from and why wouldn’t the closest person to you celebrate you and all that you have going on ? In my opinion it’s envious behavior!
It’s no different from an outsider or a “hater” trying to downplay your abilities to make themselves feel or look better than you . They want to put the bug in your ear or fill your head with discouraging thoughts. It’s because they simply feel that they don’t have the abilities to exceed as much as you have ! Instead of being supportive , being happy or proud to say that my man/woman is doing big things and maybe it’s just not my moment And it’s OK to take turns being in the spot light !
Having a partner who is resilient, intelligent and hardworking shouldn’t be intimidating. Those things should make you want to step your game up and do better ! Not bring them down because you’re afraid to grow! I know often times the male ego gets in the way of the big picture ! Certain men believe that because they ” wear the pants ” that they should be the one in the lime light ! And that their woman should never outshine them because they feel less than. And I’m sorry my success gone rub you wrong til you step it up !!
Yet, taking away the excitement of someone else for your own personal reasons is so selfish and it’s beyond hurtful! Why would anyone want to maintain a relationship with someone who isn’t growing or flourishing! Personally I love to see those around me doing well and happy. I love knowing that the person I love is doing big things so I can show the world I get to lay next to a boss every night! It makes me proud to see my partner win !
I feel that many of us have experienced a jealous ex and had no idea what the signs were . But play close attention to people who say they love you and want to see you happy but don’t show it in their actions
I know its been a short while since I have done a blog (Please forgive me ) BUT I haven’t really had much to talk about. Until recently I have started to pay more attention to things people say when it comes to being humble or boasting about your accomplishments.
Everyone somehow seems to feel that being proud of yourself is some how being cocky. That it should not be done because it makes someone who hasn’t reached their peek feel some type of way . That every accomplishment you reach should be kept a secret. BUT FOR WHAT ?! Why am I accommodating the egos of others? Why do I have to feel ashamed of saying I’m proud of myself or allowing others to know the things that I have done with great pride ? We don’t get upset with rappers and singers flashing their name brands and jewelry around. So who says that being proud isn’t the way ?
I feel like for anyone who has maybe had a rough start in their careers or just now deciding to go back to school , or just started a business has the right to be happy for themselves and to be proud !
I say this because I have found myself for many years helping others achieve their goals and being the biggest cheerleader. And while doing so I have never had an ounce of envy. My first thought was always to ask myself ; who is in my corner to be supportive as I take my leap of faith and fulfill my purpose. How do I get to the place that will make me proud of ME! I have published three books in less than a years time. From the first release of my book I got an amazing amount of feedback and support and I never really took into consideration the fact that I AM AN AUTHOR. My words, and thoughts and feelings are at the fingertips of those who know me personally and those who may never meet me in their life. Yet, I held my excitement in because naturally I still did not feel as though this was such a major accomplishment compared to others. Then I released my second and third book back to back. Then releasing two small brands of clothing.
Then it finally dawned on me that I have the right to be proud of myself. I have the right to say this was my journey to these small successes and there will only be more things to come for me in the future. I found that me finally saying that “I’m here, I’ve done this,” and still being HUMBLE enough to help others has set me apart from the ” cocky” stereotype. I think its imperative that women or anyone for that matter take their accomplishments with great pride because only we know the journey it took in order to get there.
Are you tired of the ” Good Morning sexy”, or the ” you so finnnnee” DMs from men. But not just ANY man ! The man who has a wife, a girlfriend, shoot maybe both and a baby on the way ! CLEARLY in a relationship and yet all in your face. YESSSS ME TO! Now don’t get me wrong , compliments and well wishes are nice and all but from one single person to the next ! I think it is the most offensive thing to be approached and otherwise pursued by a man who chooses to disrespect his woman or family in order to be all in the next woman’s face ! I can’t seem to understand what men get out of doing this! For one if you aren’t happy in your own relationship LEAVE ! There is nothing that complicated keeping you in a relationship that you aren’t happy in ! Why are we damaging woman who often times don’t deserve the things that are going on behind her back !
What makes me chuckle is they will hop in your DM and you’ll make it clear like ” Hey, i’m aware of your wife/ girlfriend” and the famous line is ” We aren’t together or we are going through a rough patch.” Now all those things are fine and dandy and most women who are being approached could care less about those. But WHY? WHY? WHY? is it that the first thing on a mans mind to do is to run to the next woman?! Why is it so hard to be man enough to fix the things that are going wrong in a relationship or JUST LEAVE !! But they don’t hear me though ! For one let me let the men out there know that most of us woman are not interested in being a rebound or a booty call or the chick for the moment when your girlfriend isn’t acting the way YOU want her to. No matter what lies you are throwing around. Personally I have been approached several times with this same situation and the first thing I feel is disrespect !
I feel disrespected by the fact you would think so less of me as to only try to pursue me in order to fill a void that you aren’t getting elsewhere or to think that I would have sex with you just to be another notch on your belt. I’m sorry NOT HAPPENING !! Given there are women okay with this and feel like they are the “prize ” because a man is willing to mess with them behind their woman’s back. But in my personal opinion those woman need a little sense knocked in them if you catch my drift !! I can’t figure out why men don’t see this behavior ass disrespectful. Why is OK to view me as a piece of meat ? Now lets think about this:
- You slid in my DM
- I’m dumb enough to believe the lies you throw me
- THEN we hook up or meet up some form of fuckery behind your woman’s back
- Someone catches feelings ( most often the woman )
- the man does one of two things ! a) breaks up with his girlfriend and I become the girlfriend and THEN my “secret position” is up for grabs or b) he disappears and goes back to his woman and leaving me back at square one !
Now who in their right mind wants that sort of drama in their life ! The other thing that really bothers me is they have someone at home and then see that you are married/taken and STILL feel the need to make a way into speaking to you ! Given not all men are trying to get at you BUT for the ones that do like REALLY MAN?! You see me posting my man/family and you disrespect me and my relationship by feeling that you are important enough to come between a bond that’s already been built!
I say all this to say Fellas : as much as we love you learn some respect ! Not just for yourself , your own woman but other peoples homes and families as well. We get it everything isn’t always peachy at home and you just feel like the grass is greener ! To be very honest it isn’t lol We ALL come with something good or bad ! and No this isn’t a bashing against the men because there are PLENTY of woman who slide in the DMs. These same sort of women are chasing men with families and wives as well and over all its unattractive. It makes someone view you as untrustworthy and very disrespectful ! So when pursing a woman keep in mind; NO things will not always be perfect like in the love movies but they can start out respectfully and honestly ! Close one door before opening another ! You’ll get more replies that way LOL
As a black woman it pains me to feel as though I can’t speak my mind how I feel . Scream or cry when I need to. All because I/ we are judged. We’re made out to be rude , nasty , or even bitter. Just for speaking up for ourselves and what we believe to be true to us or the way we choose to be treated. We are looked at as ghetto and unable to submit in relationships or be seen as unmanageable employees. But why? why is it that only the BLACK woman is seen in this manner. Yet, its ” sexy” when a Latina woman or an Asian woman (for example) gets loud or speaks their mind. All in ways that are deemed “aggressive” when it comes to a black woman. As if we can’t have opinions or speak our minds. Of course delivery of speaking your mind is EVERYTHING! But being sweet about our standards, and the things we want out of relationships isn’t always doable. Even speaking up about people we choose to associate with and now they speak to us or treat us is important as well. We don’t hold any less value than any other race of women and if we choose to speak our mind it should be taken into consideration just as anyone else’s feelings.
Personally I feel attacked when someone calls me “crazy or aggressive ” when I’m passionate about something and I choose to address a subject. It has almost become hurtful and makes us feel ( or me for that matter ) that I have to hide my feelings or not say how I truly feel just so i’m not judged or called names. I don’t believe anyone stops and thinks about how we feel, the types of hearts we have or take into consideration the fact that we have acquired behaviors in our lifetime that have caused us to CONSTANTLY be in defense of ourselves. I believe that no one takes the time to say ” let me listen to this woman to understand her hurts, pains or even her joys.” Just to grasp an UNDERSTANDING of the person we are on the inside. We are so used to being undervalued and treated as if we aren’t good enough that we get damn tired. We get tired of being called names and made to feel as if we should just roll over and let men or anyone in this case speak to us any way and we are to just submit and be quiet.
I have come to realize that in most cases it has nothing to do with the woman and her mannerisms but the person that message is being delivered to. They can’t handle the fact that someone is willing to call them on things others may not or the fact that we are stern about how we feel and DEMAND to be treated in a certain manner. Doesn’t make us angry, or bitter or any negative thing. It only means that we are demanding things that cant be offered and the other person is 1. unwilling to meet the requirements that are being implemented or 2. the are not secure enough with themselves to handle the outspoken ways of a black woman. Sadly enough the most ridicule comes from our our own Black men. Most (but not all) Black men feel that the Black woman is less valuable than other races of women. I can speak for ALL Black women when I that it’s HURTFUL to feel that the men we call fathers, brothers, sons and friends feel this way about us. We hold black men to such a high standard and protect them and cater to them and we cant have the same in return and it’s terrible. Its a damn shame that we as a Black community can’t speak highly of one another and build each other up or protect the value of one another. Other races look at the self hate and devaluing of each other we do on a daily basis and it needs to be stopped. We need to learn to respect each other, love one another so that other races can do the same. Maybe then the Black women wouldn’t have to be so strong, defend themselves, and feel secure knowing that a Black man or ALL men will respect them the way they deserve. We need to know that someone has our backs and will protect us from harm and harmful words.
To my Black QUEENS! SPEAK YOUR TRUTH! Continue to demand your respect, continue to hold your heads high. Don’t feel bad because your strength awakens insecurities within others. Continue to be who you are because there is someone, somewhere who will take you as you are, listen to your truths and protect you in all ways, ALWAYS!
Being a mother of three young black men growing up in a society where they are seen merely by their color. Not their academic achievements, character or their connections with community activities. BLACK! is all that is seen. They are automatically “set up for failure” according to societies lack of value for the black man. I try my hardest to stay out of political conversations and even racial conversations if I can help myself. I stay connected with the news and racial issues that go on today, Even taking into consideration the racial prejudice I have experienced myself. I ask myself have we as parents made our children fearful of things in the world? Have we conditioned our sons and daughters to believe that they should not challenge authority. Even in the appropriate manners in order to DEMAND proper treatment and equality? It saddens me to see mothers having conversations with their sons and telling them basically to allow officers or others in power positions to talk to them in any manner and not to question things or not even to defend themselves when necessary! Is this right? Are we the cause of why our black men continue to die senselessly at the hands of officers because these officers, judges and lawyers are aware of the fact that we are born fearful and not properly educated on our rights ! Is it right a mother has to fear for her sons life every time he walks out the door? Is it right that I fear for my sons ,brothers and the fathers of my children when I cant reach them or they aren’t in my presence ?
Why are we not finding ways to have conversations with our youth that educate them on the laws and rights they have as a citizen. Evil is known to feed of fear and why should we fear who is meant to protect us? There should be an open dialogue with our black youth. Informing them that their lives matter just as much as anyone else. That they have the same rights to complain to anyone who will listen about our treatment and reform in our communities.It should be normal for young black individuals to walk around and feel safe when being confronted by an officer. Not fear they will die reaching for their wallet for identification or cell phone. WE have to learn to stand up and fight back without the violence and rioting in our own communities. That behavior is expected of us and we have to choose better solutions in order for our voices to be heard and taken seriously. We have to stop killing one another out of anger for what people in power do to us. It starts in our own homes ; the education of law and how it is executed . We must band together to take a stand. Teach our sons and daughters that if they feel something isn’t right they should speak on it. Shed light on mistreatment and follow through. Nothing can be changed unless we teach properly how to stand in our own skin, be proud and stop conditioning ourselves that nothing will be done in our defense. We are the ones standing in the way of how we are treated. WE are the ones who have to make people respect us, our children , our women and our communities. It starts with us. Raising three sons. I educate them on whats right and wrong, and how to talk to people in power positions, ask questions of they are unsure and if they aren’t given an answer they are OK with research the answer and then ask the questions again and again so they are allowing people to know they are an EDUCATED force to be reckoned with !
We have to hold one another up and allow our children to know that there is nothing wrong with questioning things they do not feel is correct. They need to be able to open up and talk to us and demand respect simply as human beings! To understand that we all bleed the same red blood and the color of our skin does not bring our value down just because someone else believes that about us ! WE need to address how we are treated based on our social-economic status and how we conduct ourselves in situations that could potentially make or break how we are viewed. The goal is to break down the stereotypical barriers.
I only hope to light the bulb in our brains that allows us to accept our role in the things happening around us and hope that we come together to so whats right by our children and ourselves!
In the Black community it has become a defense mechanism to be full of strength and that mental health is a weakness. It is shameful to be clinically diagnosed by a doctor with any sort of mental illness. We are not able to speak openly to our relatives about all of our feelings. As children we are conditioned to be seen and not heard. Often to be told that feelings of hopelessness and depression are ” White people ” problems. We are made to believe that we are exempt from mental battles. From birth it is instilled in us to ALWAYS remain strong and not allow the outside issues of the world affect how we react to trauma and loss. When in actuality Blacks are 20% more likely to suffer from severe mental issues than other races. So many factors play a part into why the issues are not being treated properly or not at all.
The most common issues recorded are:
- ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder)
- PTSD ( Post-traumatic Stress Disorder) because Blacks are more likely to be victims of heinous crimes
- Rising suicide rates in young Males
Even with these major illnesses there are so many factors that stand in the way of proper help.
- Only about one-in-three who suffer seek the help needed
- Most are afraid the stigma surrounded by mental health
- Recent studies show that 19% of Blacks are not covered by any health insurance
- It is a known fact that Blacks are often discriminated against in the health care system
- Lack of culturally competent providers
- Lack of Providers from diverse backgrounds
- The issue of provider-patient trust
The questions I often ask myself is why? Why must we continue to allow ourselves to suffer in silence. Why is it that we don’t see ourselves valuable enough to take care of ourselves mentally ? Is it so hard to reach out for help or to have at least one person we trust enough to confide our need for help in? The lack of health care provided to Blacks is sickening. How can you not provide mental health services to those who need it ; or when its provided patients are still not provided with enough coverage to afford services or even the medications needed to help with cures and stabilizing their illness. In some cases services are not provided with the medical options given to Blacks. I start to also factor in the fact that we have to learn to take care of one another. Provide help to each other and be an example for the children we are raising to be aware of what they think and feel and how it affects their daily living. We have to stop taking things people tell us in confidence and using it as leverage to continue to hurt each other . It only brings us down and damages more.
I have personally suffered with Depression at a point in my life. I was dealing with being a young mother, in a verbally and mentally abusive relationship. I felt hopeless and very alone as often times people do . I felt as though I couldn’t go to anyone about the help that I needed or maybe I was just in denial at that moment and felt that i’d be looked down upon. I attempted suicide and I will be the first to say that it was not a failed attempt, but in that moment I made a decision to be stronger then my mental health issue and seek the help that I needed. I had medication until I was ready and felt stable enough to stop. I sought out counseling and will openly admit I didn’t speak much at first. I thought ” what could this stranger tell me about myself that I didn’t already know “? I came to the agreement with myself that I needed to learn to face things head on and that if I ran from what I felt or was dealing with it became my weakness. And my strength came from accepting what was happening and taking the steps to help MYSELF.
The road of a mental health struggle is difficult but we have to stop being afraid of what someone will think about us if we admit we struggle like everyone else, we have hard times, we get sad, cry or even scream. I’ve learned it is OKAY ! to feel all of these things as long as I know when to take the steps necessary to seek help when provided and when needed. I encourage those of you suffering in silence to seek help, talk to a trusted friend or relative. You are not alone !!
I find it easier said then done to create healthy boundaries in life and relationships when there are deep emotions attached ! The friend that uses us and the lover giving bare minimum ! Deep down we know what we need to be happy and healthy in spirit and that is the reason for boundaries . By telling your friends” no ” , sometimes doesn’t make you a bad person. It allows your friends to know the limits on your friendship and they cant bleed you dry for all that you have. Especially if the friendship has become all about what you can do for them . Laying down what you need to a lover and expecting them to meet your expectations isn’t nagging or bitching .
Its simply saying ” I need these things to be happy and I need for you to make changes in these area in order for the relationship to work ” and STICKING TO THEM ! We have to learn to be firm in our beliefs and boundaries because it’s the only way someone will take us seriously . WE know what makes us happy and how we want to be treated and boundaries teach others how. Take the time to make sure that your boundaries are being respected in order for you to get all that your looking for out of life, love and friendships !