Happy Monday!! The second letter in my series; is a letter I wrote in light of my own personal turmoil ! I was in a situation with people I felt were friends. I felt “safe” and come to find out I wasn’t. I was sexually assaulted. I woke up confused and the person responsible acted as if everything was OK and he had done nothing. Of course shameful and not clearly grasping what happened to me I kept the incident to myself. (As many survivors of assault do.) I had to learn to forgive someone who was not sorry for their actions, forgive myself for being shameful for something that I was not responsible for , and pray for Mercy upon this person.
With this letter my goal was to face reality and fully accept things for what they were. It has taught me to be cautious in all situations and be mindful who I call friends. My hopes with sharing this letter is that other woman confront the things that have happened to them and be able to forgive those who have done them harm , for themselves , and continue to pray mercy for those who will need it.
In my recent book release ” Rose Petals Under a Reaper’s Robe: Unveiled,” I Opened up about many subjects. I figure why not tell my story the best way I knew how. Through my writing. People would take the time to know a more intimate me or they would look right past. The end of my book covers letters that I have written to parts of my past, my current situations , and what I hope to gain int he future. Telling a vivid story of the sexual assault I endured, making peace with leaving my father out of my life for good, loving unconditionally, and finally making peace with myself. Overall finding the courage to burn the letters and let go of all the things I felt accountable for holding me back, and my choice to lift myself up into a higher light.
The first letter to ” you” covers simply how I thank someone I love. How they have helped me to see many thing about myself and my life in such a short time and how grateful I am to have encountered such and individual.
What I hope to cover is the meaning behind each of my letters in more detail. Only hoping that someone can see how taking the time to be honest with yourself, others and even forgive those who will never be sorry for the things they have done.
Please Take these letters a start to your own start to healing and understanding “YOU”
As 2019 is coming to an end there are so many things I am grateful for. My challenges, my triumphs and closing the year off with my new little muffin in the oven. My newest addition will be Arriving March 2019!!! And I am over the moon excited to see this little guys face.
BUUUUUT being pregnant and at almost 31, I have noticed that my ” sexy” isn’t the same . I don’t feel as beautiful as I should. Of course carrying a little human isn’t as cracked up as it seems to be. Everyone’s pregnancy photos look so beautiful but I don’t think many people realize the struggles that expecting mothers struggle with on a day-to-day. The constant body changes; from the weight gain, the skin changes , bigger clothes and the emotional roller coaster. ! So many thoughts running through your mind and feeling like you have so much to do with ZERO time to do it in,. Who has the time to think about being sexy!
I sure don’t ! As sad as it sounds I have not had much energy to even to my hair nicely or put on any make up. I don’t want to go outside or put on clothes because I just don’t feel like I look nice. Its bringing out all of the insecurities. Talking to other mothers I have realized I am not alone. Most of the time we are looking to feel and have the same energy as we did prior to pregnancy and the fact is that’s just not how it works. Being that we are going through so many changes we are often putting Soooo much pressure on our partners for validation. And lets face it not all men understand the personal battles we go through. Then we lash out and they have no idea why.
In situations where you aren’t feeling like yourself its OK to be vulnerable ( I’ve learned) and letting your partner know. Hey I need a night out where we get dressed up so I can show off my new belly and feel good about it. Or even a night in with some sexy lingerie ( and YES ladies they do have maternity lingerie I have invested in some myself ). It’s all about understanding what your feeling and how to process it in a positive manner.
Taking a moment to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that its possible that your body may not go back to its original state but to love yourself for all your new curves and “stretchies” ( as I like to call them ) And understanding that your baby is going to love you regardless of any of the hard feelings you endure. At the end of the day that is all that matters.
I have 15 more weeks left in my journey with this little guy and my only hope is for a healthy little boy ! To all of you mommies out there worried about your sexy just know being beautiful and SEXY is what got you that bun in oven in the first place 🙂 EMBRACE IT!
Are you tired of the ” Good Morning sexy”, or the ” you so finnnnee” DMs from men. But not just ANY man ! The man who has a wife, a girlfriend, shoot maybe both and a baby on the way ! CLEARLY in a relationship and yet all in your face. YESSSS ME TO! Now don’t get me wrong , compliments and well wishes are nice and all but from one single person to the next ! I think it is the most offensive thing to be approached and otherwise pursued by a man who chooses to disrespect his woman or family in order to be all in the next woman’s face ! I can’t seem to understand what men get out of doing this! For one if you aren’t happy in your own relationship LEAVE ! There is nothing that complicated keeping you in a relationship that you aren’t happy in ! Why are we damaging woman who often times don’t deserve the things that are going on behind her back !
What makes me chuckle is they will hop in your DM and you’ll make it clear like ” Hey, i’m aware of your wife/ girlfriend” and the famous line is ” We aren’t together or we are going through a rough patch.” Now all those things are fine and dandy and most women who are being approached could care less about those. But WHY? WHY? WHY? is it that the first thing on a mans mind to do is to run to the next woman?! Why is it so hard to be man enough to fix the things that are going wrong in a relationship or JUST LEAVE !! But they don’t hear me though ! For one let me let the men out there know that most of us woman are not interested in being a rebound or a booty call or the chick for the moment when your girlfriend isn’t acting the way YOU want her to. No matter what lies you are throwing around. Personally I have been approached several times with this same situation and the first thing I feel is disrespect !
I feel disrespected by the fact you would think so less of me as to only try to pursue me in order to fill a void that you aren’t getting elsewhere or to think that I would have sex with you just to be another notch on your belt. I’m sorry NOT HAPPENING !! Given there are women okay with this and feel like they are the “prize ” because a man is willing to mess with them behind their woman’s back. But in my personal opinion those woman need a little sense knocked in them if you catch my drift !! I can’t figure out why men don’t see this behavior ass disrespectful. Why is OK to view me as a piece of meat ? Now lets think about this:
- You slid in my DM
- I’m dumb enough to believe the lies you throw me
- THEN we hook up or meet up some form of fuckery behind your woman’s back
- Someone catches feelings ( most often the woman )
- the man does one of two things ! a) breaks up with his girlfriend and I become the girlfriend and THEN my “secret position” is up for grabs or b) he disappears and goes back to his woman and leaving me back at square one !
Now who in their right mind wants that sort of drama in their life ! The other thing that really bothers me is they have someone at home and then see that you are married/taken and STILL feel the need to make a way into speaking to you ! Given not all men are trying to get at you BUT for the ones that do like REALLY MAN?! You see me posting my man/family and you disrespect me and my relationship by feeling that you are important enough to come between a bond that’s already been built!
I say all this to say Fellas : as much as we love you learn some respect ! Not just for yourself , your own woman but other peoples homes and families as well. We get it everything isn’t always peachy at home and you just feel like the grass is greener ! To be very honest it isn’t lol We ALL come with something good or bad ! and No this isn’t a bashing against the men because there are PLENTY of woman who slide in the DMs. These same sort of women are chasing men with families and wives as well and over all its unattractive. It makes someone view you as untrustworthy and very disrespectful ! So when pursing a woman keep in mind; NO things will not always be perfect like in the love movies but they can start out respectfully and honestly ! Close one door before opening another ! You’ll get more replies that way LOL
A few years ago I read a book called ” The 5 Love Languages ” by Gary Chapman. And at the time I was single and not really interested in anything that didn’t revolve around me and pleasing me . So I never took into consideration things that it was trying to teach me. Until recently I forced myself to read the book again so I could get a better understanding. I’ve come to realize that this book is much needed in any relationship. For those who are unfamiliar with the book; it’s a book that gives detailed information of the things that an individual needs to feel satisfied, loved and appreciated in a relationship. The list includes :
- Acts Of Service ( helping your partner with a task big or small)
- Words of Affirmation (hearing REASONS why you love your partner)
- Physical Touch( Not always Sexual- but hugs and hand holding)
- Quality Time( uninterrupted time alone)
- Receiving Gifts (Small or grand unexpected gestures)
Now some people will think “oh these are simple things.” The fact of the matter is you can be expressing your love in the way that YOU would like to receive it from your partner but not necessarily the way your partner would like to receive it from you . This is where the nagging comes in ( as men would like to call it ).
“you never take me out”
“why don’t you kiss me or hold my hand”
“can you take out the trash without me telling you 100 times”
“why don’t you tell me i’m beautiful”
After realizing what I read, and finally understanding what the book was trying to teach me ;that age old saying ” treat people how you want to be treated”, came into my head. This saying in my opinion is incorrect. I took a short 5 minutes of my time to take the Love Language quiz and realized that I prefer Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service over anything and number 3. for me was Physical touch. Which means someone can take the same test and have all different Love Languages than myself. Then you ask yourself , “so how does this work?” COMMUNICATION!!!! It means sitting with your partner and asking them specifically the the things that they NEED from you in order to feel loved and secure with you. As easy as this sounds it’s truly not. Based on the fact that someones love language may be uncomfortable for you to give. For example, Words of affirmation. I am HORRIBLE with verbally expressing myself and things often times come out wrong. Which may in turn cause a problem for a person who needs positive words or words of support from me because I don’t know exactly how to deliver them. Same goes for someone who needs Physical Touch to feel secure but their partner is someone who doesn’t need much affection. I think that truly understanding your partner and the things that they need in order to feel secure with you could save so many relationships and help couples to really communicate better. It’s all about wanting your man/woman to feel appreciated as well as adding to their happiness. I am no relationship expert but I truly feel that this book opened my eyes to things I was selfish about in the past and will definitely take the time to know and understand in my own relationships.
For those of you interested in the test that I took I have left the link below.
Love Language Quiz
Many people have asked me to break down the title of my book. There are a couple reasons it came about. Starting with turning 30 I realized I had no clue what to do with my life. What my passion was or even what I was good at. And all the while my greatest passion was sitting in all of my diaries over the years. I’ve always had a passion for writing because I have never been very good with speaking or expressing my inner feelings verbally. I never understood the power of sharing your testimony would be the way to heal yourself and give others to courage to heal themselves. This book and its inspiration came from many journal entries of mine over the past year. Not Just my own personal experiences but from others around me and just thoughts I’ve had about certain subjects. My goal with this was to first see if I could accomplish my goal of becoming a published author, take in the feedback that I was given and change at least one persons out look on their life and decision to heal. The title itself came from a conversation I had with my daughters father where he told me that when I get upset I be come a ” Grim Reaper.” That’s when i had to take a step back and realize I did turn into a person who was very “soul snatching” when I was angry. But my heart was soft as a Rose Petals. It made me also realize that it is OK to be vulnerable, I don’t have to be tough all of the time and its easier to connect with others when you give your pure and defenseless self. Writing the things I have and now understanding how it has impacted others it made me realize that this is my passion and gift and that there will be NO STOPPING ME!
I never understood the unspoken rule of mothers. That we are to give our all to our children and nothing to ourselves. Its wrong if we want to take a minute to take care of ourselves, Read a book , or go back to school and follow our dreams. But I cant understand why? Why cant we do things that make us happy without looking like bad mothers or being criticized for taking the initiative to be ourselves and mothers at the same time. I never wanted to be the mother that lived only for the wants and needs of my children and wake up one day and have nothing to look back on. Nothing to say that i’m proud of myself for. Or worse not showing my kids what hard work and dedication to bettering yourself looks like. Its difficult for mothers to hear criticism regarding their choices in life and somehow it has become the norm. That the woman take the fault for doing what it is that makes them happy While the fathers get the leeway to do whatever they like and take the time they need in order to get their careers together for the family. I for one don’t agree with that and never will . I am a woman and mother who feels that I am ME first and then I am a mother, daughter, and friend. I feel that its okay for me to go after my dreams and take time for myself . Quite frankly , how can I be the best mother I can be if I can’t take the time to take care of myself ?
Most people will say ” you had kids you gave up having a life when you had your children.” WRONG! My life just began the moment we become mothers . We look at the world differently , we have an unconditional love , and someone looking to us like super hero’s ! Our jobs are to teach our children that self care is what should be promoted with being a mother . Showing our children that mommy is a business owner , a holder of multiple degrees or a Pillar of the community making a difference . Not just someone who wipes tears and packs lunches . This isn’t to say that stay at home mothers or mothers who dedicate their lives to taking care of their children shouldn’t be celebrated but there are so many things women are capable of . We are the epitome of strength and perseverance so why should we ONLY hold the title of ” Mother.”
I have had so many bad things said about me personally because I chose to go to school and pursue my education which took me away from dinners or sports games of my children. BUT my children understood yes I am making sacrifices for things and moments that are precious that I can’t get back but I’m making a way for bigger memories and moments to come . I think it’s healthy for children to understand the life of a mother , the things we go through and how much of the hard work we put into making ourselves better people. All for us to know they are proud of us ! Proud of us for doing what’s best for them , proud of us for paving a way for them to follow their dreams without conditions and proud of themselves for being understanding of all the things their mothers are capable of . I grew up in a single parent home, my mother worked many jobs to provide for us and we had any and everything we needed and wanted but she didn’t do much for herself. Watching her I was proud. I made it a point to make sure I did things that made me happy, I took time for myself to learn new things , go to school , I wrote a book and I can say I have started to define myself not only as a mother of five beautiful children I get to call my own but I get to be VONTRESS!
I get to show my daughters that the world has so many wonderful things to offer and they can have any and everything they put their minds and hard work into. I get to show my sons that women are more than someone who is going to cook the meals and wash their clothes. They can be anything they want to be and still hold the humble title and most fulfilling title of all ” MOM.”
” How can I be myself if everything I want I can’t be? To succeed, be a better me, or An amazing woman with accomplished goals. Or to be defined for who I AM and what I can do outside of being just a Mother, a Daughter or a Friend? Is it a bad thing that that I want to Be ME. A woman of great strength , intelligence and perseverance. and Then add the other amazing titles to my name? How can I be a better mother if I can’t show my children my ability to fly? How how can I be a friend if I cant offer my best self? and How can I be a daughter if I cant make my parents proud?” –Vontress R. Ortega