How do I explain to my sons that the beautiful black skin they are in won’t be loved by others?
How do I explain to my sons that their strong – chiseled physique will be intimidating to those who don’t poses the same features?
How do I explain they will be feared for merely educating themselves with knowledge of where they come from and who they are destined to be?
How do I explain to sons the difference between cooperation and complacency?
How will I explain to them they are at risk of losing their lives for reaching for their phones and wallets?
How will I explain to my daughters they are valuable in A world that sees them only as objects?
How will I explain to my daughters they will be pushed against one another because one will be more “ desirable “ due to her fake skin and the other ridiculed for being dark chocolate like her matriarch queen ?
How will someone explain to me my son being shot dead in the street , a knee on his neck while he screams he can breathe , being gunned down while buying skittles , executed while complying all because they are BLACK!
Lately I have been having a hard time with my faith. Not my praying or my conversations that I hold with the man above but faith in myself. The faith that you carry that helps you keep pushing in the midst of a season where things just are not going as planned.
Just the moment when you have no clue what to do. In this moment I am having a hard time figuring out where I, Vontress went wrong. with loving someone who NEVER loved me ( per his words) . Why am I doing my best as a mother and I am putting forth all the efforts I can and it still doesnt seem good enough. Why my blessings of my new car , and other things don’t feel as special as they should. ( Now this is where my conversation with the man upstairs came in)
I simply asked , ” Where did I go wrong to deserve this horrible break up and these horrible feelings that I have been feeling?” I sat and waited because HE is usually good about quick answers because I know, I be getting on his nerves with the questions but the answer I got was ” YOUR FAITH IN YOOURSELF”. I did not feel deserving of love so I chose a man who would never love me because he does not love himself! I have never been big on material things so my new car doesnt feel like an accomplishment of hard work and stability but a necessity of an adult. I dont feel like a good mother always because I can’t give them the moon and the stars in their hands when that’s all I work for.
I lacked the confidence in all of the things that I was doing because I lost faith in ME! My breakup was the most hurtful thing I had experienced in a long time beccause he was someone I thought I would marry and to know me than you know I have NEVER had that feeling for ANYONE ! I was looking to my kids to tell me I was a great mom for the things that I did for validation and I was looking for fulfiment in my “things.”
I lost all the things that made me who I was becuae I was so focused on givng everything I have to others. It was not a lack of self love , or doing what I needed in order to care for myself it was learning to trust ME and my decisions. I had to trust that separating from a man that only meant me harm no matter how much I loved him was ok to d. No matter the ways he tried to change that feeling. Being a parent and not a friend to my kids would make them into the best adults possible, and the things that I gained in my hard work were meant to be celebrated.
See having faith is not always about leaving everything in the man aboves hands ! We have to do a little work also. It is about trusting YOU, and that the things that you do and decide for yourself are RIGHT ! No matter if it feels a bit awkward at the beginning. I don’t ever try and get holy on yall but I pray for anyone going through a turning point and needing to know , HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF !
Lately I have been having such a struggle with the things that baby dads do. Now we all know that moms are the one everyone turns to but when are men really going to be FATHERS !!
Mom cooks, she cleans, she does laundry, she is the doctor , the counselor and the damn priest if need be. We do any and everything in order for everyone to be ok and there is NEVER a moment that these baby dads sayhey i’m going to sacrifice a few hours of my day in order to make sure that the mother of my children is alright. Now when I say that some of yall are going to think that means we are looking for money or our nails done. When in actuality we are looking for a nap, someone to do the damn dishes and take out the trash without being told and actually taking care of the kids.
A few women around me GO HARD for their families. Working , STILL in this pandemic and coming home to men who can’t even make sure that the kids are ready for bed and some dinner is made. I mean even a damn sandwich will do. They get up and go where ever, whenever , with whomever and were always home with the kids. There is never any consideration of the plans we may have or even consideration for the fact that we may have business to handle and they may need to take care of the kids. And when they do by some miracle keep the kids, how DARE we be gone for more than 5 minutes before we are getting called and texted off the hook. We’re working our behinds off in order for them to live and be fathers ONLY when its convenient for them. I mean can some of these baby daddys even tell me your kids doctor’s name, or the last time they took a poop or maybe the name of their imaginary friends. ( Dont worry I’LL WAIT)
And you know where the problem starts WITH US !! Yes, but sorry ladies it’s us! We are so used to being the man and the woman to ourselves that we do not even take the time to make sure these men are doing what they should be doing. I’m sorry but we need to set boundaries and make them do what’s necessary or cut them off at the knees. And that means limiting the access they have to the luxuries we provide. Like you want to leave the house take one of your kids, you can’t nap if I can’t and you want food MAKE IT YOURSELF.
“What I need men to understand is they aren’t any less responsible for the basic caretaking of a child because they are the father.”
You should be present in all aspects of what your child has going on and making it a point to be capable to take care of your children efficiently should anything happen to the mothers of your children.
Now this is not to negate the fathers who do just as much as the mothers or in some cases more. It is simply to shed light on the fact that at some point SOME OF YOU need to GROW UP. And I also need you to understand when a woman gets tired of doing all the work without support you will hear her mouth. Not only this, why wouldn’t any parent want to be 100% involved in thier childrens everyday routine. I truly cant understand but what I do know that it is becoming way too common for men to be physically present and not INVESTED in their children.
Well Until next time ! LIKE, COMMENT, SUBSCRIBE, and SHARE !
I tried to be quiet but I can’t ! And whomever doesn’t like what I have to say ! God Bless you anyway ! As a black woman of FOUR black sons ; I know the struggles they will face , I know the injustices they will experience and I know how the world looks at them without them saying one word . I tell my sons all the time the value of life , honesty , RESPONSIBILITY for your actions ACCOUNTABILITY for the consequences that follow !
Now someone posted this meme and I’ll tell you it pissed me off to my core :
Why is the world to blame for the inadequacies that certain individuals have? I will be the first to say that I love black men , always have and always will, when I see something going wrong I advocate for them and I speak my peace for those who do not always have a voice and the courage to use it . But what I do not appreciate is a victim. My favorite saying is,” you can not have peace where you create chaos. ” Now with that being said lets break this down. IF a man ( of any color ) is not doing what is necessary by the unwritten laws of adulthood why would he be anything other than less than his potential? Why is ” America” and their choices of how they view black men a reason to become those negative things. And if you are not qualified for a job why are you not taking another look at your resume, finding out how and where you can advocate for yourself if you feel you have been treated unfairly.
My biggest problem is the war between the black woman and man. Black women have became the biggest reason to blame in the victimization role that Black Men have come to be comfortable in. Why is is that baby mothers are called bitter for telling you where you need to IMPROVE AS a MAN in order to be a GOOD FATHER for your children ? Why are Black Women the root of calling men ” AIN’T SHIT” And for the hell of it why is that other races of women are treated better than the black woman. I watched an episode of an amazing web series called ” Black On Both Sides” written by Alonge Hawes. In Episode 6 there were two black individuals feuding over the dynamic between the black man and woman. Oddly both happened to have white spouses but one part struck a nerve. The wife of the black man was giving him a pep talk and in the talk she tells him in so many words that ” Black men don’t do feelings.” To me its simple , black men run from what is real that is why in my opinion there are so many men turning their backs on the reality of who they are and dating outside of their race. They are doing this instead of looking at themselves in the mirror and taking things for what they are and realizing no one is responsible for the things that they choose to put into the world but THEM ! Now don’t get me wrong, I could truly care less whom anyone dates or if they are green . blue . or purple. My problem comes in when Black Men feel that other races hold more relevancy than they one they came from and dating races they claim to be the blame for the poor treatment the receive throughout society.
It is up to black men to stop and figure out how they can be better. What they can do to shut down stereotypes by ” America” , taking care of their children so they aren’t being called “deadbeats” and ensuring that they are living up to the best of their potential to be in the jobs and positions they deserve. Point the finger at yourself sometimes and make the necessary changes for a better outcome.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term mantra. It is a statement or slogan that is repeated frequently. I chose accountability because for a long time I have not made others accountable for the things that they have done to me in the past or present but I have grown to realize that if I want others to take accountability then I need to start with myself. I need to be the one who points at myself and accept the things that I could do better, the actions that I can take in order to be at peace with the things that are going on around me and just over all being honest with myself. This means being honest about the things that I want and need even if that means I have to lose things and people along the way.
I came up with a list of three things that I will practice when analyzing a situation where accountability needs to be taken;
ASK FOR CLARITY ! – If I am in a situation and I am assuming , then I need to immediately check myself and ask questions in order to know whats going on and possibly stop a problem before it happens.
UNDERSTAND MY FEELINGS ARE VALID – If I am feeling some type of way SAY IT! Don’t let those around me be in the dark about how I feel. If I am not OK; I need to be sure to speak up and be HEARD.
EVALUATE IF THIS PERSON/THING IS DOING ME HARM OR GOOD – Take a step back a ask myself if the things or people are causing me harm and can I learn to love them from a distance.
There has been such a long process in my journey to self love and healing and this has been the toughest part yet. Sometimes we don’t want to hear that we just ” AIN’T SH*T”.
We want to hear all the good things people have to say about us even if they aren’t always true. We want to believe that 10 years from now we are going to be happily married with the spouse we have now even if we know deep down they are cheating little boys who refuse to grow up. We want to believe my friend would never do that. But we all know he/she WILL.
Accountability is about WANTING to be honest no matter if it hurts. To take the burden of holding in secrets or not acknowledging that fact that we are not perfect. It is about knowing that we are TRYING !