Lately I have been having such a struggle with the things that baby dads do. Now we all know that moms are the one everyone turns to but when are men really going to be FATHERS !!
Mom cooks, she cleans, she does laundry, she is the doctor , the counselor and the damn priest if need be. We do any and everything in order for everyone to be ok and there is NEVER a moment that these baby dads say hey i’m going to sacrifice a few hours of my day in order to make sure that the mother of my children is alright. Now when I say that some of yall are going to think that means we are looking for money or our nails done. When in actuality we are looking for a nap, someone to do the damn dishes and take out the trash without being told and actually taking care of the kids.
A few women around me GO HARD for their families. Working , STILL in this pandemic and coming home to men who can’t even make sure that the kids are ready for bed and some dinner is made. I mean even a damn sandwich will do. They get up and go where ever, whenever , with whomever and were always home with the kids. There is never any consideration of the plans we may have or even consideration for the fact that we may have business to handle and they may need to take care of the kids. And when they do by some miracle keep the kids, how DARE we be gone for more than 5 minutes before we are getting called and texted off the hook. We’re working our behinds off in order for them to live and be fathers ONLY when its convenient for them. I mean can some of these baby daddys even tell me your kids doctor’s name, or the last time they took a poop or maybe the name of their imaginary friends. ( Dont worry I’LL WAIT)
And you know where the problem starts WITH US !! Yes, but sorry ladies it’s us! We are so used to being the man and the woman to ourselves that we do not even take the time to make sure these men are doing what they should be doing. I’m sorry but we need to set boundaries and make them do what’s necessary or cut them off at the knees. And that means limiting the access they have to the luxuries we provide. Like you want to leave the house take one of your kids, you can’t nap if I can’t and you want food MAKE IT YOURSELF.
“What I need men to understand is they aren’t any less responsible for the basic caretaking of a child because they are the father.”
You should be present in all aspects of what your child has going on and making it a point to be capable to take care of your children efficiently should anything happen to the mothers of your children.
Now this is not to negate the fathers who do just as much as the mothers or in some cases more. It is simply to shed light on the fact that at some point SOME OF YOU need to GROW UP. And I also need you to understand when a woman gets tired of doing all the work without support you will hear her mouth. Not only this, why wouldn’t any parent want to be 100% involved in thier childrens everyday routine. I truly cant understand but what I do know that it is becoming way too common for men to be physically present and not INVESTED in their children.
Well Until next time ! LIKE, COMMENT, SUBSCRIBE, and SHARE !
I’m pleased to announce that my Fourth Poetry book ” Tainted Soil” is officially here!!!
It took me sometime to find the right words to say, the feelings to feel or even the words to put down on my paper. Trying to find myself again after the birth of my son and working through Symptoms of Postpartum Depression; I decided that I wouldn’t allow the aftershock of my son or my insecurities take control of me or my purpose. I had to coach myself through my feelings and my words to figure out how to express my thoughts. I sat with myself for weeks and focused on the things that I was feeling and needed someone to understand. And then I birthed my fourth baby.
I am so thankful for all of the love and continued support that I have been receiving . From events, to my Blogs, poetry and books. It means the world to me. I still feel like a small time gal trying to make big dreams come true and I just hope that you all continue to follow me on this journey to BEST SELLING AUTHOR !
I’m Manifesting that shit HAHA
I have left the link below for purchase. And for those of you who do PLEASE PLEASE leave your reviews. 50+ reviews puts me on Amazon’s ” Suggested read list and allows me to reach a wider audience. Thanks in advance -V
Tainted Soil !!
Often the strong friend or family member has no one to look to in their time of need ! They give in all ways and always to help others find balance and healing within themselves and their lives ! But strong people need healing as well . They need to know they can show their vulnerability and be strong in sharing their emotions. The healer often suffers in silence because they feel as if showing emotion is a sign of weakness to those who look to them for strength. Be mindful of your strong friend/family .
Understand that the strongest people around you carry the most weight and always feel obligated to be a shoulder, an ear , a ride , and an ATM! They feel like if they aren’t there then who else will ! But just like you they need someone to be there.
I know because I have always been the “go to ” and it can be exhausting . Giving and giving and leaving myself the leftovers. And often times I didn’t have anything left to give…ME!
I had to talk to myself and remind myself it’s OK to say no ! It’s OK to not answer my phone and not always be at the beck and call of someone’s else’s problems. Sometimes they needed to learn to solve on their own . The problems were placed in their lives because the universe was teaching them something, and how could they learn if there was always someone like me there to fix the problem for them.
We must look outside ourselves and the selfishness of having someone we can count on and worry about who we can help as well. We all need help from time to time but make sure to check on your strong friends and family
They may need YOU today!
…you must speak.
You must walk in a darkness and hope the prayers you speak only in your darkest moments shed light from your heart.
Tell yourself the only thing in the way of my healing is forgiveness.
Cry tears, kick, scream, and smile at your ability to embrace your hurt,
Be strong enough to mend your soul,
Accept the things that have broken you. Stand tall on the broken pieces and say, “I made it!”
Heal because to be whole is to live abundantly.
Poem from “Rose Petals Under a Reaper’s Robe”
Recently I asked a random question on Facebook just to see the answer. The question was; ” Black men ,who do you vent to ?”
The answers I got were almost all the same. Many of them did not vent because they don’t trust anyone, felt the women in their lives would throw their feelings in their faces or simply coped by drinking and/or smoking marijuana. I asked this questions unsure of the feedback I would get but the answers made me sad.
How or why is it that Black Men don’t have ANYONE. OR feel they don’t have anyone I should say. I asked the reasoning behind some of these feelings and a lot of the men said they have been taught that it is weak to show emotion or told that no one cares how they feel. They stated they were programmed to suck it up and go on about their lives while burying their problems. It made me wonder what makes men think that their feelings don’t matter or that they are weak for having emotions. Its what makes us human and I started to ask myself where it begins. Naturally understanding home is our first teacher.
I have four sons and I sometimes used to find myself telling them to ” stop crying like a little girl” and then I changed my ways. Not only little girls cry, HUMANS cry! We cry because were happy, sad, and angry. And it is OK ! Showing emotion doesn’t make a man weak, or vulnerable it makes a man strong and confident enough in himself to show that he cares. Not only cares about what is going on with him or the things around him but shows the courage to want to talk about his inner pains or concerns in order to get help and work on his issues.
I think naturally parents sometimes say certain things or make statements and don’t allow themselves to explain to the child what it means. When I talk to my sons I allowed myself to be open and honest. I told them that as men they are the protectors so they are seen as strength but they also have emotions and they have a right to be heard. I tell them they have to learn not everyone will be receptive to their abilities to talk about their feelings BUT as longs as they get it out in a healthy manner then that’ s what counts the most.
The black community has to do a better job of working together in allowing black boys and men to be vulnerable. WE have to try and change our own thoughts about what it means to be weak. We have to stop allowing ourselves to believe that crying is for girls only or talking to a therapist is somehow a bad things We need outlets!! Allowing black men to bottle up their emotions and pretend they don’t have them only hurts them in the long run. It affects their communication , their ability to trust and connect with others and in their romantic relationships. Bottled up anger leads to disastrous things. Lets protect Black Men and their mental health.
As most of you know I gave birth to my youngest son a little over three months ago. And as joyous as this experience has been for others it has been a bit of a struggle for me ! I couldn’t really put my finger on what was going on with me emotionally. Of course moms always think that we will bounce back and go right back to our bodies before baby, that we will still feel sexy and that because we are already moms that we have got it all under control.
That is what I thought and I was 100% WRONG ! This pregnancy with my son was very difficult. I was in some of the worst pain in my life, and also my son was diagnosed with having only one kidney. So this along with all of the hormonal stuff , I started to noticed that I wasn’t as engaged as a new mother should be. Of course I did the feeding and diaper changes but my urge to not want to be around my baby or any of my babies for that matter became stronger. I started losing my interest in wanting to be affectionate with them . It just became this overwhelming feeling of ” LEAVE ME ALONE .”
I didn’t want to come out of my room , make dinner , or help them with anything . I honestly just wanted to hide from them. Of course me being the woman that I am as much as I had these feelings I was also feeling terrible about this. Like what sort of mother wouldn’t want to be around their children or hold their new baby. But it was just my reality. So I told my partner that I was not feeling like myself and of course I think he was just assuming I meant because I was being a mom to older children and staying up all hours of the night breastfeeding a new born.
But the feeling was deeper and naturally trying to convince myself nothing was wrong I kept bottling the feeling up and I started to become more irritable and snapping at everyone. On top of the fact that I was crying for EVERY little thing. I forgot my phone upstairs I’d start balling, or my baby would cry, and I was for sure crying louder and harder then he was.
All of this lead me to see my therapist and that’s when I realized what I have been feeling is Postpartum Depression . It was a very REAL thing. The saddest part was I sat and told myself ” this is not a BLACK woman thing” But in reality mental health issues don’t skip you because of your race. The fact of the matter is so many more women of color suffer from this and don’t get the right help or treatments. They live and suffer with this DAILY and yet they have no one. They don’t have the home support or family support. They cant afford the medications , or therapy sessions but most of the time they don’t want to have the shame behind saying that something is wrong with them and they need help.
Truth is we all need help and its OK to ask . I am not big on asking others for help and day to day is a struggle with trying to understand what is currently going on with me . I struggle to voice how I feel and allowing myself to be vulnerable in situations that I otherwise wouldn’t be. I had to accept the fact that If I didn’t take the steps forward to handle this situation that I wouldn’t be OK , my babies would suffer and ultimately this ” THING” would consume me.
My son is only three months old and i’m not sure how long this will take to get better. I am unsure how it started but I do know that I am willing to work through this and also let others know that getting help is important. To understand the symptoms.
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Crying spells
- Problems with memory and concentration
- Changes in sleep Pattern
- Altered eating patterns
- Socially withdrawn
- Loss of Libido
If you are feeling any of these things or just feeling Depressed in any way. PLEASE talk to someone and get the help that you need. We all go through things and it is OK for us to seek help and do whats best for ourselves even when we feel afraid to do so. Take the necessary steps for your mental health. You cant take care of anyone else unless you take care of YOU FIRST !