My 2020 Mantra : ACCOUNTABILITY !

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term mantra. It is  a statement or slogan that is repeated frequently.  I chose accountability because for a long time I have not made others accountable for the things that they have done to me in the past or present but I have grown to realize that if I want others to take accountability then I need to start with myself. I need to be the one who points at myself and accept the things that I could do better, the actions that I can take in order to be at peace with the things that are going on around me and just over all being honest with myself. This means being honest about the  things that I want and need even if that means I have to lose things and people along the way.

I came up with a list of three things that I will practice when analyzing a situation where accountability needs to be taken;

  1. ASK FOR CLARITY ! – If I am in a situation and I am assuming , then I need to immediately check myself and ask questions in order to know whats going on and possibly stop a problem before it happens.
  2. UNDERSTAND MY FEELINGS ARE VALID If I am feeling some type of way SAY IT! Don’t let those around me be in the dark about how I feel.  If I am not OK; I need to be sure to speak up and be HEARD.
  3.  EVALUATE IF THIS PERSON/THING IS DOING ME HARM OR GOOD – Take a step back a ask myself if the things or people are causing me harm and can I learn to love them from a distance. 2016-05-13_1610

There has been such a long process in my journey to self love and healing and this has been the toughest part yet. Sometimes we don’t want to hear that we just ” AIN’T SH*T”.

We want to hear all the good things people have to say about us even if they aren’t always true. We want to believe that 10 years from now we are going to be happily married with the spouse we have now even if we know deep down they are cheating little boys who refuse to grow up. We want to believe my friend would never do that. But we all know he/she WILL.

Accountability is about WANTING to be honest no matter if it hurts. To take the burden of holding in secrets or not acknowledging that fact that we are not perfect. It is about knowing that we are TRYING !

 

The Sun Under a Night Sky

Yesterday was the release of my FIFTH book ! Words can’t explain the fear , excitement and accomplishment I feel. 2019 was a LONG year for me but I decided that I would put all of my words , feelings , tears and deepest thoughts into my book. I was blessed enough to find an amazing publisher who taught me so much that I took a chance and chose to learn to self publish ! Learn how to be more in control of my work and have full ownership of my hard work!

I took a leap of faith and I accomplished my goal ! It was not the easiest thing but I researched and took my time to perfect what I chose to put out into the world , but my biggest accomplishment was trusting myself. Trusting that I could accomplish my goal and set the tone of self sufficiency for myself .

For so long I struggled with trusting myself and this was one of the many times that I had to understand that my thoughts and my ideas were just as good as anyone else. It was up to me to take the chance and I am proud to say that I did.  

The title of my book came from the goal of true transformation. Learning who I am, accepting the best parts of me and appreciating that the flaws were also who made. It is the idea that even in the dark we can and will continue to shine and grow as long as we are willing. 

The Sun Under a Night Sky

 You are the sun and the center of your universe.

In this collection of untitled thoughts, poetry, and affirmations; Vontress plants her powerful feminine energy and wisdom like a seed. Showing growth through struggle, and sharing stories of blooming into a flower. She shines her light like the sun into the darkest parts of her soul.

 

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Hello Tranquility!

New year ! And Same me! But more knowledgeable for sure ! 2019 was such a headache for me; it almost broke me but here I stand ! I had my share of disappointments , separated myself from what I found to be toxic to my growth , made mistakes , learned lessons , and got my heart broken on a number of occasions, and I couldn’t understand WHYYYY!

How were these things happening to me when I was doing MY BEST to be open , honest , kinds , helpful and forgiving. How was I walking around with a smile but I was not feeling any peace within. How was I giving love I wasn’t receiving or allowing friends to unload their emotions on me but I couldn’t call them just to say “ hey” without being ignored. How was it I was busting my ass as a mother but I still felt like I was not good enough. IMG_0619

I broke down honestly , I had a moment I let every tear I had been holding within my spirit out, I screamed, and I kicked ! No literally I kicked my Christmas tree down ! I threw glass and I fell to my knees and prayed ! Oddly I asked God for the answers to my questions and the only response I got was “ it’s your time.” And me still feeling unsatisfied I decided that I had to ask myself why I was feeling so let down , so hurt , so unwanted , unloved , unseen and misused by those around me !

Then, Ah Ha I had an epiphany! It was no ones fault but mine why 2019 kicked my behind ! It was me I needed to blame for accepting less than, and selling myself short because I didn’t want to outshine those around. Only because they  couldn’t see what I saw in them. I was the reason I was hurting , giving things to people who wouldn’t do the same for me and I got up with a new outlook!

This year would be a fresh start ! I would use my voice and not just write how I felt on the pages of my books , I would be present in my passions and make the best of it. I would demand the things I give or I would show people the door if they only had intentions of capitalizing off what I could do for them. I would go for everything that I planned for myself even if I failed until I got it right ! I would improve the way that I talked to myself, I would write down my goals and become tunnel vision to any outside noise or negativity that would detour me from my mission.

When I accepted that I can’t save everyone before myself, that love is only what you make it , and I will only be as happy as I allow myself to be I found TRANQUILITY! 

I found peace in knowing that I had more control over how I felt than I gave myself credit for. I was in control of who stayed and went, I had the ability to demand a GOOD love from someone because I DESERVED it, and I didn’t have to maintain friendships based on the history that they held. Most of all I realized that I have been afraid to face who I have always been. The fear that had been holding me back for so long became the very thing that I needed to embrace in order to flourish in the New Year to come. 

I never make new years resolutions but this year I decided to learn more about me, and embrace the flaws I tend to hide and all while reminding myself that everything will be OK as long as i’m putting my best foot forward. So my hope for you , my readers, supporters, family and friends is that you learn to love your broken pieces, and love one another ! 

 

Happy New Year ! – V

Black Men: Who do you vent to?

Recently I asked a random question on Facebook just to see the answer. The question was; ” Black men ,who do you vent to ?”

The answers I got were almost all the same.  Many of them did not vent because they don’t trust anyone, felt the women in their lives would throw their feelings in their faces or simply coped by drinking and/or smoking marijuana. I asked this questions unsure of the feedback I would get but the answers made me sad.

How or why is it that Black Men don’t have ANYONE. OR feel they don’t have anyone I should say. I asked the reasoning behind some of these feelings and a lot of the men said they have been taught that it is weak to show emotion or told that no one cares how they feel.  They stated they were  programmed to suck it up and go on about their lives while burying their problems. It made me wonder  what makes men think that their feelings don’t matter or that they are weak for having emotions. Its what makes us human and I started to ask myself where it begins. Naturally understanding home is our first teacher. bmtweet2

I have four sons and I sometimes used to find myself telling them to ” stop crying like a little girl” and then I changed my ways. Not only little girls cry, HUMANS cry! We cry because were happy, sad, and angry. And it is OK ! Showing emotion doesn’t make a man weak, or vulnerable it makes a man strong and confident enough in himself to show that he cares. Not only cares about what is going on with him or the things around him but shows the courage to want to talk about his inner pains or concerns in order to get help and work on his issues.

I think naturally parents sometimes say certain things or make statements and don’t allow themselves to explain to the child what it means. When I talk to my sons I allowed myself to be open and honest. I told  them that as men they are the protectors so they are seen as strength but they also have emotions and they have a right to be heard. I tell them they have to learn not everyone will be receptive to their abilities to talk about their feelings BUT as longs as they get it out in a healthy manner then that’ s what counts the most.

The black community has to do a better job of working together in allowing black boys and men to be  vulnerable. WE have to try and change our own thoughts about what it means to be weak. We have to stop allowing ourselves to believe that crying is for girls only or talking to a therapist is somehow a bad things We need outlets!! Allowing black men to bottle up their emotions and pretend they don’t have them only hurts them in the long run. It affects their communication , their ability to trust and connect with others and in their romantic relationships. Bottled up anger leads to disastrous things. Lets protect Black Men and their mental health.

STOP calling people CRAZY!!

Its been an on going pet peeve of mine when someone voices their deepest feelings or their truth to someone and the only response they get is disregard and called crazy! I think its the most disrespectful thing next to being called a bitch ! I’m not saying that it can’t be said in good fun. I know we all have that crazy friend who says the most hilarious things in the worst situations. This is a little bit different than that.

These are the  moments when you go to your spouse and tell him/her that you may be having some sort of feelings or just need a bit of reassurance because we all do sometimes. Then the only response they have for you is , ” your tripping or your crazy.” Even family members that feel you have been such a nice person for so long that they can pick and poke with you until you finally snap on them. And what do you know, you’ve become the ” crazy or bipolar” person in the family. 62143616_1199116486936546_522513055372804096_n

Then trying to sit and explain that maybe they should use better choice words when speaking to you becomes a joke. As if you aren’t entitled to set boundaries on the things that your being called or how you chose to be spoken to. I feel that it’s so saddening that you may not know what people are going through deep down. Maybe  being called crazy is hurtful because someone feels that they are never heard or taken seriously when it comes to their feelings. Maybe they have gone through something traumatic and their perception of things and people are tainted and being called crazy triggers unresolved feelings.

We live in a generation that claims to be about self care and filled with those who want to take strides on mental health. The first step is understanding peoples thoughts and feelings even if they aren’t  your same feelings or you don’t agree with them. It’s all about being mindful and respectful to someones feelings. Listen when someone speaks, try to understand and if you can’t handle the responsibility of being understanding don’t fix your mouth to call ANYONE crazy!

Mamiana

Whew Chile ! After 39 weeks of what has been my most frustrating pregnancy ever; my little bundle of joy is finally here ! Baby TJ came in at 8 pounds, and 20 inches long ! At 8:26pm on March 9, 2019!! And boy am I happier than ever that he’s finally here ! I had sort of a struggle with my pregnancy. But the real Battle begins. us

When I was about 20 weeks pregnant we found out that our son suffers from Renal Agenesis ! This is a condition where one or both of the kidneys do not develop in the uterus. My son happens to have only the right kidney. ! At first the diagnosis threw me for a loop. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong, and why God would do such a thing to my son. He’s an innocent baby and he deserved to live a full life with no limitations. After his birth I instantly went into panic mode ! Wondering how could I handle his condition and not make him feel disabled. Then I had to sit and have a conversation with God, and realize that he blessed me with this child because he knew that I could handle anything ; in order for him to live his life to the fullest. And I would ensure that he had all he needed to feel just as normal as any other kids. But what is normal any way?! As much as this makes me panic as a mother I know that nothing but good can come of this situation and he is here to teach me something about life. I am thankful for my son and the journey we have ahead of us.

Being a new ..But old mommy definitely has its ups and downs. I went right back into the only thing I know. Taking care of the precious little one but of course I have to be sure not to lose focus on myself. A lot of mommies will forget they need to eat or even shower. My goal is to ensure that I do not fall into a place of forgetting that I too am important in the birth of my newest addition and if I am not OK he wont be OK. mamiana Officially one week after giving birth I have been so worried about getting my figure back and just having that ” normal” feeling. I just have to remind myself that it takes time and not to be so hard on myself. So for all of those moms out there be sure to take the time you need for yourself even if its just a hot cup of coffee in the morning or a warm bubble bath. Take care of YOU !

BUT on a lighter note I have a few things to share ! I will be hosting my book signing event April 13, 2019. At Chaise Lounge !! For those of you wanting to attend, mingle with ME, hear some of my poetry and of course get those books signed be sure to RSVP . I am really excited to be up close and personal with those of you who have purchased my books and who have supported me since day one. pink flyer

Also , I will be attending an ALL WHITE event hosted by my good friend Melaysia ! The event will be June 22nd! It is a free event that will show case local Authors such as myself, artists, performances and so much more. Be sure to RSVP and come show your support ! And for those of you who don’t know she is also an amazing Author of: Butterfly A Collection of Poetry 

41tt+esOiiL        all white flyer

 

Be sure to also Grab your copies of my Books they are all available on Amazon.  For those of you Kindle users you can read them all FREE !!!

“Rose Petals Under a Reaper’s Robe”

“Rose Petals Under a Reaper’s Robe: Unveiled “

” Affirmed Queen: A book of Affirmations for the Woman in Healing”

Come Celebrate!!!

Today I have Released my Third Book ! ” Affirmed Queen “! I am so excited for all of the support and that has come my way and the amazing feed back ! I have finally Decided to have a Book signing to not only celebrate the release of this book But my two Poetry books as well !

The event will be held:

Chaise Lounge

1330 H. Street

Sacramento , CA 95814

Saturday , April 13, 2019

4:00pm- 7:00pm

I have added the Link for R.S.V. P

In order to guarantee your entry please click the ” register” button and it will allow you to reserve your spot through the door.

I hope to see you there !!

pink flyer

Affirmed Queen Book Signing