As most of you know I gave birth to my youngest son a little over three months ago. And as joyous as this experience has been for others it has been a bit of a struggle for me ! I couldn’t really put my finger on what was going on with me emotionally. Of course moms always think that we will bounce back and go right back to our bodies before baby, that we will still feel sexy and that because we are already moms that we have got it all under control.
That is what I thought and I was 100% WRONG ! This pregnancy with my son was very difficult. I was in some of the worst pain in my life, and also my son was diagnosed with having only one kidney. So this along with all of the hormonal stuff , I started to noticed that I wasn’t as engaged as a new mother should be. Of course I did the feeding and diaper changes but my urge to not want to be around my baby or any of my babies for that matter became stronger. I started losing my interest in wanting to be affectionate with them . It just became this overwhelming feeling of ” LEAVE ME ALONE .”
I didn’t want to come out of my room , make dinner , or help them with anything . I honestly just wanted to hide from them. Of course me being the woman that I am as much as I had these feelings I was also feeling terrible about this. Like what sort of mother wouldn’t want to be around their children or hold their new baby. But it was just my reality. So I told my partner that I was not feeling like myself and of course I think he was just assuming I meant because I was being a mom to older children and staying up all hours of the night breastfeeding a new born.
But the feeling was deeper and naturally trying to convince myself nothing was wrong I kept bottling the feeling up and I started to become more irritable and snapping at everyone. On top of the fact that I was crying for EVERY little thing. I forgot my phone upstairs I’d start balling, or my baby would cry, and I was for sure crying louder and harder then he was.
All of this lead me to see my therapist and that’s when I realized what I have been feeling is Postpartum Depression . It was a very REAL thing. The saddest part was I sat and told myself ” this is not a BLACK woman thing” But in reality mental health issues don’t skip you because of your race. The fact of the matter is so many more women of color suffer from this and don’t get the right help or treatments. They live and suffer with this DAILY and yet they have no one. They don’t have the home support or family support. They cant afford the medications , or therapy sessions but most of the time they don’t want to have the shame behind saying that something is wrong with them and they need help.
Truth is we all need help and its OK to ask . I am not big on asking others for help and day to day is a struggle with trying to understand what is currently going on with me . I struggle to voice how I feel and allowing myself to be vulnerable in situations that I otherwise wouldn’t be. I had to accept the fact that If I didn’t take the steps forward to handle this situation that I wouldn’t be OK , my babies would suffer and ultimately this ” THING” would consume me.
My son is only three months old and i’m not sure how long this will take to get better. I am unsure how it started but I do know that I am willing to work through this and also let others know that getting help is important. To understand the symptoms.
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Crying spells
- Problems with memory and concentration
- Changes in sleep Pattern
- Altered eating patterns
- Socially withdrawn
- Loss of Libido
If you are feeling any of these things or just feeling Depressed in any way. PLEASE talk to someone and get the help that you need. We all go through things and it is OK for us to seek help and do whats best for ourselves even when we feel afraid to do so. Take the necessary steps for your mental health. You cant take care of anyone else unless you take care of YOU FIRST !
Whew Chile ! After 39 weeks of what has been my most frustrating pregnancy ever; my little bundle of joy is finally here ! Baby TJ came in at 8 pounds, and 20 inches long ! At 8:26pm on March 9, 2019!! And boy am I happier than ever that he’s finally here ! I had sort of a struggle with my pregnancy. But the real Battle begins.
When I was about 20 weeks pregnant we found out that our son suffers from Renal Agenesis ! This is a condition where one or both of the kidneys do not develop in the uterus. My son happens to have only the right kidney. ! At first the diagnosis threw me for a loop. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong, and why God would do such a thing to my son. He’s an innocent baby and he deserved to live a full life with no limitations. After his birth I instantly went into panic mode ! Wondering how could I handle his condition and not make him feel disabled. Then I had to sit and have a conversation with God, and realize that he blessed me with this child because he knew that I could handle anything ; in order for him to live his life to the fullest. And I would ensure that he had all he needed to feel just as normal as any other kids. But what is normal any way?! As much as this makes me panic as a mother I know that nothing but good can come of this situation and he is here to teach me something about life. I am thankful for my son and the journey we have ahead of us.
Being a new ..But old mommy definitely has its ups and downs. I went right back into the only thing I know. Taking care of the precious little one but of course I have to be sure not to lose focus on myself. A lot of mommies will forget they need to eat or even shower. My goal is to ensure that I do not fall into a place of forgetting that I too am important in the birth of my newest addition and if I am not OK he wont be OK. Officially one week after giving birth I have been so worried about getting my figure back and just having that ” normal” feeling. I just have to remind myself that it takes time and not to be so hard on myself. So for all of those moms out there be sure to take the time you need for yourself even if its just a hot cup of coffee in the morning or a warm bubble bath. Take care of YOU !
BUT on a lighter note I have a few things to share ! I will be hosting my book signing event April 13, 2019. At Chaise Lounge !! For those of you wanting to attend, mingle with ME, hear some of my poetry and of course get those books signed be sure to RSVP . I am really excited to be up close and personal with those of you who have purchased my books and who have supported me since day one.
Also , I will be attending an ALL WHITE event hosted by my good friend Melaysia ! The event will be June 22nd! It is a free event that will show case local Authors such as myself, artists, performances and so much more. Be sure to RSVP and come show your support ! And for those of you who don’t know she is also an amazing Author of: Butterfly A Collection of Poetry
Be sure to also Grab your copies of my Books they are all available on Amazon. For those of you Kindle users you can read them all FREE !!!
“Rose Petals Under a Reaper’s Robe”
“Rose Petals Under a Reaper’s Robe: Unveiled “
” Affirmed Queen: A book of Affirmations for the Woman in Healing”
This letter was the hardest to write, and written over a few months time. I had a very difficult year 2017 and I felt like all the things that I assumed I had over come started to pop up out of no where. My hurt from a relationship, feeling unworthy of someones love, and feeling over all out of place in this world. I talked to God over and over about helping me figure out what I needed to do to see ME! To love ME. And he told me simply I needed to stop being afraid of my own greatness. The love I was looking for I already had within myself. The feelings of unworthiness came from carrying around the baggage of past lovers and friends who were not worthy of ME! He told me to forgive myself.
The moment I forgave myself I had everything I needed. I accepted that yes, I was a flawed woman, nor was I perfect, definitely made mistakes and I am still all that I ever needed. I am the Prize no matter how some may see me or feel about me. I cant allow the perception of others dictate the way I handle my worth. This letter still sits in my dresser as a reminder of where I have been. And every so often the plan is to update it and eventually leave them behind for my daughters to read. In order for them to understand that their mother struggled also but its the way I got up from everything that knocked me down that made me V!
I chose this topic because it is something that I am currently going through at the moment and i’m sure many other mothers and fathers can relate to it. I have two older children a boy (14) and a daughter (13) as of this year. They are starting to ask questions regarding my dating life, my past relationship with their father and even questions regarding the nature of my current relationship. I am very open and honest when I tell them about the things that I experienced. My good and even my bad experiences. I make sure to let them know; by me telling the truth about my personal experience is not to scare them away from dating but for them to understand that they are at a very impressionable age. Small things are so major in teenagers lives because they don’t grasp the concept of what love really is and all that work that takes to maintain a healthy relationship. They always make the same comment, “you had a boyfriend when you were a teenager.” And I let them know that they are absolutely correct but I inform them my mother never said that I couldn’t and i’m choosing to make different choices than my mother in order to have a different outcome for my children. No, this is not to say my mother was wrong for allowing us to date but I see what I went through so young and how it affected me and I just want differently for my own.
Its a few main things I make sure to go over:
- Just because you are interested in someone now doesn’t mean you will be when you finally realize who you want to be and the life you want to live
- Peer pressure in relationships or feeling obligated to have sex that you may not be ready for
- early pregnancy
- Loss of focus on their goals and academics
- mental or physical abuse that cant be determined as such
- emotional damage from an early heart break that could damage them for years to come.
A lot of these reasons apply no matter what age, but my biggest is the teen pregnancy and the emotional damage and its because its something that I can speak about first hand. I had both of my children back to back at the age 17 and 18. I was in a relationship with their father and he wasn’t the best person. He was very emotionally damaging to the point I felt as if I would never find a person to love me the correct way. I allow my children to know that yes, we were both young and made mistakes between the both of us. But I harbored a lot of animosity toward men for a long time and i’m sure I pushed a lot of people away who had pure intentions. I didn’t trust anyone, I felt unworthy , and always waited for the ” bad things” to happen. I allow my children to know that being damaged so young can ruin good things in the future. My job is to protect them as best I can but also teach them the fundamentals of being in a healthy relationship, and what it looks like. For my son to understand that being a man of his word and always being honest is what he needs to learn the value of before feeling as though he is man enough to take on the responsibility of a relationship. I try to allow my daughter to understand that not all young men have pure intentions and even if they are good people at heart. Fitting in to what their friends feel is, ” cool” is more important than living up to the standards of a healthy relationship.
Putting themselves first, loving themselves and taking the time to explore the world in the right way is my hope for them. Of course I cant protect them from everything but if I teach them the value of self love they will save themselves a lot of trouble in the future.
Happy New Year !
Welcome to 2019; a new slate of 365 new days of opportunities. As we enter a new year there are so many things that I’m happy to say that I’ve left behind. Toxic Friendships, bad personal habits that have taken me years to overcome and most of all the self-doubt I have carried when it comes to my ideas and crafts.
January 10, 2019, HAPPPPYYY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEE ! Today is my 31st birthday and I’m happy to start this newest chapter in my life. What’s even more exciting is today is the release of my SECOND … yes SECOND book Release. It is Volume 2 of my Collection: “Rose Petals Under a Reaper’s Robe: Unveiled.” I am overjoyed to have so many people’s support on doing what makes me happy. I have shared a bit of myself on each page. Covering areas of my love, heart breaks , betrayal and my overall road to being content in happiness. This Collection was a bit more challenging for me to write because I was very personal with my subjects and of course there is always the fear of the judgement from others. My goal with my poetry collection is to encourage and be a voice to someone who hasn’t yet found their way. My collection, Vol I& II are available for purchase on Amazon, Barnes & Noble And of course my Publishing outlet ; Black Eden Publications.
In Even Better news I’m Proud to introduce my personal line of merchandise; “Honeyz Drips“. For the woman Dipped in all shades Melanin! I’ve branded a collection geared toward quotes of encouragement. I hope you all check it out; along with my First Line Of Apparel SwampzENT that will relaunch in of Spring 2019. For our amazing supporters who have been patiently waiting ! We definitely have things in store for you.
I’m very pleased to share ( for those of you who don’t already know) I have Joined an amazing team of writers. All women of color with such amazing back grounds in Blogging, Podcasts, Editing , even a few published Authors. Along with so much more. The platform is called Queen Media Collective. You are definitely missing out if you haven’t checked them out ! If have Five Articles Posted currently entitled:
- ” Why will be support people we don’t know before we support our own friends”
- ” Scared of my own Potential
- ” The Secret is out” ( Anonymous interview on sexual Assault
- ” Dating ans the Single Mother: Is she worthy”
- ” Single Mothers and Teenage Boys”
It’s just the beginning so pleased stay connected with all the things that we as a team have in store for you.
January 19th I hope that you’ll all Join me and so many other talented local artists ( Those of you in or close to the Sacramento , CA Area). We have an amazing Event ” The Sound Of Art”. A platform for local artists and vendors to display their art, poetry, music and more. This event wouldn’t be possible without the Talented John’Nay Lasha. So I would personally like to thank her for the opportunity to be in a room filled with such amazing Up and coming talents.
And Last but not least My little Man will be here So SOON! Already being a mother, I felt like I’ve had this under control. But things are so much easier when your baby is still in the womb ( aha ). I am so excited to see his little face. And plan to share much more of his journey with you all when he arrives.
Heres to and amazing start to 2019! It’s going to be an amazing year for not only myself but you all as well. SPEAK IT INTO EXISTENCE.
I never understood the unspoken rule of mothers. That we are to give our all to our children and nothing to ourselves. Its wrong if we want to take a minute to take care of ourselves, Read a book , or go back to school and follow our dreams. But I cant understand why? Why cant we do things that make us happy without looking like bad mothers or being criticized for taking the initiative to be ourselves and mothers at the same time. I never wanted to be the mother that lived only for the wants and needs of my children and wake up one day and have nothing to look back on. Nothing to say that i’m proud of myself for. Or worse not showing my kids what hard work and dedication to bettering yourself looks like. Its difficult for mothers to hear criticism regarding their choices in life and somehow it has become the norm. That the woman take the fault for doing what it is that makes them happy While the fathers get the leeway to do whatever they like and take the time they need in order to get their careers together for the family. I for one don’t agree with that and never will . I am a woman and mother who feels that I am ME first and then I am a mother, daughter, and friend. I feel that its okay for me to go after my dreams and take time for myself . Quite frankly , how can I be the best mother I can be if I can’t take the time to take care of myself ?
Most people will say ” you had kids you gave up having a life when you had your children.” WRONG! My life just began the moment we become mothers . We look at the world differently , we have an unconditional love , and someone looking to us like super hero’s ! Our jobs are to teach our children that self care is what should be promoted with being a mother . Showing our children that mommy is a business owner , a holder of multiple degrees or a Pillar of the community making a difference . Not just someone who wipes tears and packs lunches . This isn’t to say that stay at home mothers or mothers who dedicate their lives to taking care of their children shouldn’t be celebrated but there are so many things women are capable of . We are the epitome of strength and perseverance so why should we ONLY hold the title of ” Mother.”
I have had so many bad things said about me personally because I chose to go to school and pursue my education which took me away from dinners or sports games of my children. BUT my children understood yes I am making sacrifices for things and moments that are precious that I can’t get back but I’m making a way for bigger memories and moments to come . I think it’s healthy for children to understand the life of a mother , the things we go through and how much of the hard work we put into making ourselves better people. All for us to know they are proud of us ! Proud of us for doing what’s best for them , proud of us for paving a way for them to follow their dreams without conditions and proud of themselves for being understanding of all the things their mothers are capable of . I grew up in a single parent home, my mother worked many jobs to provide for us and we had any and everything we needed and wanted but she didn’t do much for herself. Watching her I was proud. I made it a point to make sure I did things that made me happy, I took time for myself to learn new things , go to school , I wrote a book and I can say I have started to define myself not only as a mother of five beautiful children I get to call my own but I get to be VONTRESS!
I get to show my daughters that the world has so many wonderful things to offer and they can have any and everything they put their minds and hard work into. I get to show my sons that women are more than someone who is going to cook the meals and wash their clothes. They can be anything they want to be and still hold the humble title and most fulfilling title of all ” MOM.”
” How can I be myself if everything I want I can’t be? To succeed, be a better me, or An amazing woman with accomplished goals. Or to be defined for who I AM and what I can do outside of being just a Mother, a Daughter or a Friend? Is it a bad thing that that I want to Be ME. A woman of great strength , intelligence and perseverance. and Then add the other amazing titles to my name? How can I be a better mother if I can’t show my children my ability to fly? How how can I be a friend if I cant offer my best self? and How can I be a daughter if I cant make my parents proud?” –Vontress R. Ortega