In the Spirit of Faith!!

Lately I have been having a hard time with my faith. Not my praying or my conversations that I hold with the man above but faith in myself. The faith that you carry that helps you keep pushing in the midst of  a season where things just are not going as planned.

Just the moment when you have no clue what to do. In this moment I am having a hard time figuring out where I, Vontress went wrong. with loving someone who NEVER loved me ( per his words) . Why am I doing my best as a mother and I am putting forth all the efforts I can and it still doesnt seem good enough. Why my blessings of my new car , and other things don’t feel as special as they should. ( Now this is where my conversation with the man upstairs came in)

I simply asked , ” Where did I go wrong to deserve this horrible break up and these horrible feelings that I have been feeling?” I sat and waited because HE is usually good about quick answers because I know, I be getting on his nerves with the questions but the answer I got was ” YOUR FAITH IN YOOURSELF”. I did not feel deserving of love so I chose a man who would never love me because he does not love himself! I have never been big on material things so my new car doesnt feel like an accomplishment of hard work and stability but a necessity of an adult. I dont feel like a good mother always because I can’t give them the moon and the stars in their hands when that’s all I work for.

I lacked the confidence in all of the things that I was doing because I lost faith in ME! My breakup was the most hurtful thing I had experienced in a long time beccause he was someone I thought I would marry and to know me than  you know I have NEVER had that feeling for ANYONE ! I was looking to my kids to tell me  I was a great mom for the things that I did for validation and I was looking for fulfiment in my “things.”

I lost all the things that made me who I was becuae I was so focused on givng everything I have to others. It was not a lack of self love , or doing what I needed in order to care for myself it was learning to trust ME and my decisions. I had to trust that separating from a man that only meant me harm no matter how much I loved him was ok to d.  No matter the ways he tried to change that feeling. Being a parent and not a friend to my kids would make them into the best adults possible, and the things that I gained in my hard work were meant to be celebrated.

See having faith is not always about leaving everything in the man aboves hands ! We have to do a little work also. It is about trusting YOU, and that the things that you do and decide for yourself are RIGHT ! No matter if it feels a bit awkward at the beginning. I don’t ever try and get holy on yall but I pray for anyone going through a turning point and needing to know , HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF !

As Always,

Stay Healing

Mama’s Baby and Daddy’s Maybe

Lately I have been having such a struggle with the things that baby dads do. Now we all know that moms are the one everyone turns to but when are men really going to be FATHERS !! 

Mom cooks, she cleans, she does laundry, she is the doctor , the counselor and the damn priest if need be. We do any and everything in order for everyone to be ok and there is NEVER a moment that these baby dads say hey i’m going to sacrifice a few hours of my day in order to make sure that the mother of my children is alright. Now when I say that some of yall are going to think that means we are looking for money or our nails done. When in actuality we are looking for a nap, someone to do the damn dishes and take out the trash without being told and actually taking care of the kids. 

A few women around me GO HARD for their families. Working , STILL in this pandemic and coming home to men who can’t even make sure that the kids are ready for bed and some dinner is made. I mean even a damn sandwich will do. They get up and go where ever, whenever , with whomever and were always home with the kids. There is never any consideration of the plans we may have or even consideration for the fact that we may have business to handle and they may need to take care of the kids. And when they do by some miracle keep the kids, how DARE we be gone for more than 5 minutes before we are getting called and texted off the hook. We’re working our behinds off in order for them to live and be fathers ONLY when its convenient for them. I mean can some of these baby daddys even tell me your kids doctor’s name, or the last time they took a poop or maybe the name of their imaginary friends. ( Dont worry I’LL WAIT) 

And you know where the problem starts WITH US !! Yes, but sorry ladies it’s us! We are so used to being the man and the woman to ourselves that we do not even take the time to make sure these men are doing what they should be doing. I’m sorry but we need to set boundaries and make them do what’s necessary or cut them off at the knees. And that means limiting the access they have to the luxuries we provide. Like you want to leave the house take one of your kids, you can’t nap if I can’t and you want food MAKE IT YOURSELF.

“What  I need men to understand is they aren’t any less responsible for the basic caretaking of a child because they are the father.”

 

You should be present in all aspects of what your child has going on and making it a point to be capable to take care of your children efficiently should anything happen to the mothers of your children. 

Now this is not to negate the fathers who do just as much as the mothers or in some cases more. It is simply to shed light on the fact that at some point SOME OF YOU need to GROW UP. And I also need you to understand when a woman gets tired of doing all the work without support you will hear her mouth. Not only this, why wouldn’t any parent want to be 100% involved in thier childrens everyday routine. I truly cant understand but what I do know that it is becoming way too common for men to be physically present and not INVESTED in their children.

Well Until next time ! LIKE, COMMENT, SUBSCRIBE, and SHARE !

SELF Love on Valentines Day!

We all know Valentine’s Day has derived from some pretty dark roots, February 14th has become a cause of celebration. We celebrate the word : LOVE ! Whether singing that single song or a duet of love birds this day has loved and HATED.

Everyone has their own thoughts on love ( depending on our situations).  It comes from the way that we love our spouse, family, or friends. But we never never talk about what comes to mind when we think about what it means to love ourselves. 

Do you appreciate the person you are? Is there a way that you show affection toward yourself? Are you in love with yourself?

If you can’t seem to answer yes to any of these questions then its for damn sure time to give YOU a little love today. Most of us think that loving ourselves means getting a pedicure or going to the movies and YES all of these things are great but are we taking the time to nurture our spirits. Most of the time as a single person we immediately enter this ” panic mode ” feeling of seeing all the happy couples , the gifts and the hoopla on social media. But here are a few steps that you can take toward self love not just today but every day. 

 

1. Appreciate the person you are.

Take time to enjoy everything about you. Of course we are all works of are and on different paths of self discovery but what makes you unique? Those are all the things that you should be celebrating and proud of. Be gentle in the way that you talk to yourself when it comes to your flaws and don’t see them as the reason you aren’t sharing today with someone but more of a day of triumph because you are willing to celebrate the love you have for you. 

2. Go on an Instagram Hiatus.

Social media is clearly the devil. Well , i’m joking, BUT Instagram and other forms of social media should be the very last thing that you want to be indulging in on this day. We ain’t got time to be jealous of everyone and their same roses and chocolates from CVS ( sorry not sorry ) but it doesn’t hurt to throw out there the love you are showing yourself and then signing out for the day. 

3. Write Yourself a Love note

In my book , Affirmed Queen, I mention writing two letters to yourself. One letter is to explain to yourself who you think you are today and the second letter is to explain who you want to be after a year worth of SELF LOVE work. * PS if you haven’t got the book CLICK THE LINK 🙂 * 

4. NOW it’s Time for Pampering.

Run that bubble bath that you keep promising yourself, take yourself on a date, cook a nice meal or Door Dash. ( whichever you prefer). Take time with you and RELAX. Who says today is ONLY for the lovers or married couples. 

 


 

One of the most courageous acts of radical self-love is valuing your time, energy and how much of yourself you are giving to others. Show yourself you care by setting boundaries that prioritize your own wellness. This does not mean that you can’t still be kind, giving you.


 

The concept of today is Love. Loving you, who you are, your strengths and your weaknesses. Spending time with yourself that you usually push back to a later date, and overall enjoying your own company and laughing with yourself. There is no reason to feel discouraged or sad because you have no one to share it with. It should just be another day to love yourself a little more. !

 

Remember before you go to bed look at the most important person in your life in the face and tell them…

I LOVE YOU!

My 2020 Mantra : ACCOUNTABILITY !

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term mantra. It is  a statement or slogan that is repeated frequently.  I chose accountability because for a long time I have not made others accountable for the things that they have done to me in the past or present but I have grown to realize that if I want others to take accountability then I need to start with myself. I need to be the one who points at myself and accept the things that I could do better, the actions that I can take in order to be at peace with the things that are going on around me and just over all being honest with myself. This means being honest about the  things that I want and need even if that means I have to lose things and people along the way.

I came up with a list of three things that I will practice when analyzing a situation where accountability needs to be taken;

  1. ASK FOR CLARITY ! – If I am in a situation and I am assuming , then I need to immediately check myself and ask questions in order to know whats going on and possibly stop a problem before it happens.
  2. UNDERSTAND MY FEELINGS ARE VALID If I am feeling some type of way SAY IT! Don’t let those around me be in the dark about how I feel.  If I am not OK; I need to be sure to speak up and be HEARD.
  3.  EVALUATE IF THIS PERSON/THING IS DOING ME HARM OR GOOD – Take a step back a ask myself if the things or people are causing me harm and can I learn to love them from a distance. 2016-05-13_1610

There has been such a long process in my journey to self love and healing and this has been the toughest part yet. Sometimes we don’t want to hear that we just ” AIN’T SH*T”.

We want to hear all the good things people have to say about us even if they aren’t always true. We want to believe that 10 years from now we are going to be happily married with the spouse we have now even if we know deep down they are cheating little boys who refuse to grow up. We want to believe my friend would never do that. But we all know he/she WILL.

Accountability is about WANTING to be honest no matter if it hurts. To take the burden of holding in secrets or not acknowledging that fact that we are not perfect. It is about knowing that we are TRYING !

 

It’s Me…I’M BITCHES!

I don’t know who needs to hear this but sometimes I  just DON’T ! LOL When I mean I don’t , sometimes I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to leave my house or do anything and I definitely don’t want to wear a bra or pants.

I just want to sit in my house turn off my phone, turn my music up and chill alone. I have always been a person who enjoys solitude which may seem odd to some being that i’m a mother of six. But I have always been a loner. I like to enjoy the silence, when everyone is asleep; I like to get up early in the morning and look out the window right before the sun has fully risen. There is something about being alone that brings me peace.

Having an already hectic schedule there are times that I just don’t want to be the ” go to person,” and  I don’t want to talk to friends about pointless things. Although they know me well enough to know when I am not feeling anything, and when to leave me be until I come out of my shell. It took me a long time to learn what peace and solitude was and now that I have found it and have the courage to keep it I cherish it.

Most people think that I’m mean and irritable but for a long time I ran myself dry. Giving love advice every five minutes when my life was in shambles, cooking and cleaning for the kids and doing pointless favors for whomever needed it. I did all of this KNOWING that I didn’t want to most of the time. I got to the point that when I say LEAVE ME ALONE I damn well meant it.

Photo by Ree via Pexels.com

I used to be so afraid to speak up and take time for myself or let others know that being physically drained from giving so much is a real thing. Understanding that people need to recharge and take time for themselves has to be understood. I need my time to gather thoughts, to find my sanity through my meditation and sometimes isolate myself from the world and outside noise in order for me to be OK ! We are so consumed in chaos and drama that we forget to take care of ourselves and preserve our peace. I always encourage people to spend time with themselves in order to connect with what their soul needs in order to be at peace. 

 

Expectations.

I see this meme on social media very often that says, ” Stop expecting you from other people.” When I first seen it I agreed with it totally, until I sat down and took a minute to really think about the meaning behind it. I came to the conclusion that agreeing with this meant that I would be selling myself short, I would be accepting any treatment, and telling others that this was OK.

 

Telling someone what you expect of them is setting clear boundaries on what you will or won’t tolerate. If I expect someone to speak to you in the way that you choose , and follow through with their word ; where is the problem in that? How is it ” wrong ” to expect proper treatment.

terrell-owens-quote-if-you-align-expectations-with-reality

 

It all boils down to the self respect a person has for themselves and how valuable they believe that they are. If I allow someone to be in my space, they need a clear understanding of what is expected. I know the saying :

If you don’t expect anything then you can’t / won’t be disappointed!

And I think it is a bunch of bull ! The only way to be disappointed is allowing yourself to give people power of you, what you need, and setting a standard for them to live up to. I have come to the realization that personal value is a process that we are all at different levels of attaining, BUT that does not mean expecting certain things is wrong. It just means that if the people around us aren’t willing to hear what we need and be active in execution then we need to evaluate the positions they play in our lives !

Viva La Honey V.

Whew it was a weekend. I spent my 32nd birthday in Las Vegas. For something this isn’t anything major and to be honest I could not see what all the hype was about but I enjoyed myself. I seen new things and new people but overall I got a new perspective on the things that I need to work on changing in the upcoming year.

 

I need to learn to let loose more. I am always such a planner and I have to have everything planned and organized and it truly takes the fun out of just simply living. I am always caught up in the next thing that I cant see right in front of me and the things that I should be cherishing. The fact that I wake up in the morning and have one more day to make something of myself, the fact that my children are growing into such amazing little human beings, I have a home, a job, a car and I have accomplished so many things in such a short time that I should be so much more grateful that I am.

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I know that deep down we all try to remain humble because we know at anytime things could change and that feeling consumes me on a day to day basis. Five years ago I was in the worse place of my life, no car, homeless , and hungry and to build my self back up to the place that I am today. I am so determined to never go back to that, I constantly worry about everything and I have become such an uptight person to others when that is not who I truly am.

This trip ( even though it was only 4 days long ) taught me that it is OK to live a little. I can have some fun, stick my feet in the sand and have a drink or two! There is nothing wrong with enjoying the things that I worked hard for. Its OK for Stella to get her groove back once in a while, to have time away from responsibilities and to just overall recharge.

IN OTHER NEWS !!! 

January 5th I released my FIFTH book “The Sun Under a Night Sky” and had the Bookiversary to my Second book ” Rose Petals Under a Reaper’s Robe : Unveiled” on my birthday. It is such an overwhelming feeling and I feel like I am content in my purpose. I have found something that I love, and that I am naturally good at. I can’t wait to share with you the rest of the things that I have in store for myself for the rest of the year.

 

 

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