Black Sheep Written by: Pharaoh Da Poet and Vontress Renae’

Black Sheep Written by: Pharaoh Da Poet and Vontress Renae’

 

 

Black sheep,

Scum of the world, yet blessed to be cursed. 

Wondering why i’m lost

I’ve lost myself to wake my brothers up, as the police are shooting us down

Our people , so distracted by the media.

And America robbing us blind.

Poisoning everything , and still no one notices.

Were oppressed waiting on time to tell us where we’re headed 

Marshall Law is coming they say

And all were looking for is the money we were never guaranteed

The sheep follows the shepherd

Or is it the sour feeling in its stomach allowing America to lead us to slaughter

Like strange fruits 

I’ve smelled death, as sweet as sugar cane

But as still as palm wine

It bleeds red, and drips to the roots when the sun shines.

It grows as big as brown mangos , as the smell of gun shots hit the air 

Carrying the eerie smell of death , in a disguise of red roses

Roses that grow from the concrete from the blood that drips down Americas tree

A tree with no justice on its leaves 

No justice in its roots 

Still misunderstanding why black bodies lay dead in the summer 

Oppressed or conditioned

Taught that loving ourselves in a palm wine America

Harvested turmoil , and slavery 

To whom are we captives?

The Americas our ourselves

Teaching ourselves that money and fame 

Are more important than our women, children

And we pay for it with the souls of our men.

We are distracted by choice

Leaving no room for hurt in our psyche

We don’t want to be apart of our problem

The ruin that give ammunition to the laws

The laws that we are not educated on 

The laws that use OUR ammunition 

To shoot us down in the street like sheep 

Following the shepherd 

Or walking away from ourselves

Passing trees of injustice that we allow

Killing one another, 

Pulling one another down from flourishing

Into pure white roses

Our petals are covered in blood tinted red

Red from the lives we lost in struggles

That we could avoid

Becoming one community

One aligned voice

And one love

Advertisements
Black Men: Who do you vent to?

Black Men: Who do you vent to?

Recently I asked a random question on Facebook just to see the answer. The question was; ” Black men ,who do you vent to ?”

The answers I got were almost all the same.  Many of them did not vent because they don’t trust anyone, felt the women in their lives would throw their feelings in their faces or simply coped by drinking and/or smoking marijuana. I asked this questions unsure of the feedback I would get but the answers made me sad.

How or why is it that Black Men don’t have ANYONE. OR feel they don’t have anyone I should say. I asked the reasoning behind some of these feelings and a lot of the men said they have been taught that it is weak to show emotion or told that no one cares how they feel.  They stated they were  programmed to suck it up and go on about their lives while burying their problems. It made me wonder  what makes men think that their feelings don’t matter or that they are weak for having emotions. Its what makes us human and I started to ask myself where it begins. Naturally understanding home is our first teacher. bmtweet2

I have four sons and I sometimes used to find myself telling them to ” stop crying like a little girl” and then I changed my ways. Not only little girls cry, HUMANS cry! We cry because were happy, sad, and angry. And it is OK ! Showing emotion doesn’t make a man weak, or vulnerable it makes a man strong and confident enough in himself to show that he cares. Not only cares about what is going on with him or the things around him but shows the courage to want to talk about his inner pains or concerns in order to get help and work on his issues.

I think naturally parents sometimes say certain things or make statements and don’t allow themselves to explain to the child what it means. When I talk to my sons I allowed myself to be open and honest. I told  them that as men they are the protectors so they are seen as strength but they also have emotions and they have a right to be heard. I tell them they have to learn not everyone will be receptive to their abilities to talk about their feelings BUT as longs as they get it out in a healthy manner then that’ s what counts the most.

The black community has to do a better job of working together in allowing black boys and men to be  vulnerable. WE have to try and change our own thoughts about what it means to be weak. We have to stop allowing ourselves to believe that crying is for girls only or talking to a therapist is somehow a bad things We need outlets!! Allowing black men to bottle up their emotions and pretend they don’t have them only hurts them in the long run. It affects their communication , their ability to trust and connect with others and in their romantic relationships. Bottled up anger leads to disastrous things. Lets protect Black Men and their mental health.

Envious BAE!!

Envious BAE!!

I’ve come to realize that your spouse being jealous of you is a REAL THING ! I mean think about it ! Have you ever been in the middle of a real glow up and the first person you want to give the good news to is your love . And the first thing out their mouth is the total opposite of excitement ? Or a dry response like ” that’s nice ”

Even the times you have such amazing ideas that you expect the world to look at you crazy for and you assume you can tell your partner and all they have to say is ” no, you can’t do that ” But WHY? Where does the jealousy come from and why wouldn’t the closest person to you celebrate you and all that you have going on ? In my opinion it’s envious behavior!

It’s no different from an outsider or a “hater” trying to downplay your abilities to make themselves feel or look better than you . They want to  put the bug in your ear or fill your head with discouraging thoughts. It’s because they simply feel that they don’t have the abilities to exceed as much as you have ! Instead of being supportive , being happy or proud to say that my man/woman is doing big things and maybe it’s just not my moment   And it’s OK to take turns being in the spot light !105

Having a partner who is resilient, intelligent and hardworking shouldn’t be intimidating. Those things should make you want to step your game up and do better ! Not bring them down because you’re afraid to grow! I know often times the male ego gets in the way of the big picture ! Certain men believe that because they ” wear the pants ” that they should be the one in the lime light ! And that their woman should never outshine them because they feel less than. And I’m sorry my success gone rub you wrong til you step it up !!

Yet, taking away the excitement of someone else for your own personal reasons is so selfish and it’s beyond hurtful! Why would anyone want to maintain a relationship with someone who isn’t growing or flourishing! Personally I love to see those around me doing well and happy. I love knowing that the person I love is doing big things so I can show the world I get to lay next to a boss every night! It makes me proud to see my partner win !

I feel that many of us have experienced a jealous ex and had no idea what the signs were . But play close attention to people who say they love you and want to see you happy but don’t show it in their actions

STOP calling people CRAZY!!

STOP calling people CRAZY!!

Its been an on going pet peeve of mine when someone voices their deepest feelings or their truth to someone and the only response they get is disregard and called crazy! I think its the most disrespectful thing next to being called a bitch ! I’m not saying that it can’t be said in good fun. I know we all have that crazy friend who says the most hilarious things in the worst situations. This is a little bit different than that.

These are the  moments when you go to your spouse and tell him/her that you may be having some sort of feelings or just need a bit of reassurance because we all do sometimes. Then the only response they have for you is , ” your tripping or your crazy.” Even family members that feel you have been such a nice person for so long that they can pick and poke with you until you finally snap on them. And what do you know, you’ve become the ” crazy or bipolar” person in the family. 62143616_1199116486936546_522513055372804096_n

Then trying to sit and explain that maybe they should use better choice words when speaking to you becomes a joke. As if you aren’t entitled to set boundaries on the things that your being called or how you chose to be spoken to. I feel that it’s so saddening that you may not know what people are going through deep down. Maybe  being called crazy is hurtful because someone feels that they are never heard or taken seriously when it comes to their feelings. Maybe they have gone through something traumatic and their perception of things and people are tainted and being called crazy triggers unresolved feelings.

We live in a generation that claims to be about self care and filled with those who want to take strides on mental health. The first step is understanding peoples thoughts and feelings even if they aren’t  your same feelings or you don’t agree with them. It’s all about being mindful and respectful to someones feelings. Listen when someone speaks, try to understand and if you can’t handle the responsibility of being understanding don’t fix your mouth to call ANYONE crazy!

Affirmed Queen { Available March 1st}

Affirmed Queen { Available March 1st}

Affirmed Queen: Book Of Affirmations for the woman in Healing!

Affirmations, Writing Prompts, and Reflective Passages from ME; The Author

Growing older we as women start to wonder why it is we feel the way we feel. Why were sad , our lack of self-worth, or even the lack of trust we have in ourselves to make rational decisions without the assistance of others. Until way finally accept the fact that somewhere along the way all of our young days of making mistakes, not so good relationships and even our upbringing has a lot to do with the we view ourselves. We never really understand how or where to start. This is the same struggle I had with myself. So I decided to take the time to share some of the steps I took to self myself for self healing and acceptance.

AFFIRMATIONS

Affirmation : ” The act or process of affirming something or being AFFIRMED “

I chose affirmations for myself and this book because simply it works. It’s a process of changing your mind-frame and the way we process how we see and feel about our-self. Taking the time to flush out negative thoughts and feelings and replace them with positive things and build self-esteem.

Reflective Passages 

I took the time to insert letters, questions and feelings on my personal feelings. The way that I felt before and during my process of healing. How I handled certain things and situations as they came at me and simply invite the readers to understand that they are not alone and we all struggle and its OK to not always be OK!

Writing Prompts

Writing in a Journal or even writing myself little notes have become a form of healing. I feel if i get the negative thoughts out on paper they are removed from my mind and I have the space to ask myself why i feel this way and what can I do moving forward to change it. I entered pages in hopes that self reflection will allow my readers to learn to be vocal ( in  a sense) about how they are feeling.

 

With this book I only hope that women understand how important it is to love themselves. To understand that loving themselves allows us to understand how to teach others to love us in the way we need. Not in the manner they feel we deserve. 

Affirm your QUEENDOM!

To You, From V ( My letter to ” ME”)

To You, From V ( My letter to ” ME”)

This letter was the hardest  to write, and written over a few months time. I had a very difficult year 2017 and I felt like all the things that I assumed I had over come started to pop up out of no where. My hurt from a relationship, feeling unworthy of someones love, and feeling over all out of place in this world. I talked to God over and over about helping me figure out what I needed to do to see ME! To love ME. And he told me simply I needed to stop being afraid of my own greatness. The love I was looking for I already had within myself. The feelings of unworthiness came from carrying around the baggage of past lovers and friends who were not worthy of ME! He told me to forgive myself.

image1 (1)

The moment I forgave myself I had everything I needed. I accepted that yes, I was a flawed woman, nor was I perfect, definitely made mistakes and I am still all that I ever needed. I am the Prize no matter how some may see me or feel about me. I cant allow the perception of others dictate the way I handle my worth. This letter still sits in my dresser as a reminder of where I have been. And every so often the plan is to update it and eventually leave them behind for my daughters to read. In order for them to understand that their mother struggled also but its the way I got up from everything that knocked me down that made me V!

To you, From V ( My letter to “My Father”)

To you, From V ( My letter to “My Father”)

The Fifth letter, of my “Letters in Healing” Series is to the person who gave me life. I definitely feel uncomfortable calling him “dad” just based on the simple fact that he wasn’t ever really a dad to me. I have had a off and on journey with him up until recently when I finally decided to just let him know how I truly felt about him and maintaining a dead relationship. I let him know I felt as though there was nothing that he could do for me besides be a grandfather to my children. Which his actions were just the same as him attempting to be a father to me. I let him know that for so many years I was angry with him for the things he lied about, the promises he made and didn’t keep and his lack of concern for me as his first born child. I blamed him for so many things that had gone wrong in my life with the thought, ” if you would have been here none of this would have happened.”  Until I finally realized he also was battling his own demons and sadly enough he wasn’t ready to be man enough to face them. Just as he was not man enough to be a father to me ! I think at times we walk around being so angry at people who we make obligated to do things for the sake of our well being and the fact is everyone is obligated to their demons and we are all on different journeys.

image1

Ultimately I made peace with not having a father in my life. I made peace with the fact that I turned out OK because my grandmothers prayers kept me safe and my mother sacrificed her life in order for me to have one of my own. I made peace with my hurt, my sadness, and embraced the peace I felt when I finally decided to cut ties with a man I felt was only toxic to my life and my children. I feel sometimes, ” fatherless” children hold on to so much pain from a person who was just not meant to be in their world. They hold on to what could be instead of what is. Never really understanding that sometimes peoples purpose in this world is not to be parents ; we just get caught in the cross fire. Everyone heals at their own pace and I know it took me a long time to accept the fact that I have only my mother and i’m OK with that. I’m OK with knowing that the one person who made herself available whenever I needed, wiped my tears , and raised me to be such a resilient woman remains here today all because she CHOSE the most fulfilling job of all and that was being a parent FIRST !! I chose to leave my father behind and not look back for the sake of ME! The relationship is not needed and to me he will always be a stranger bonded by blood. A stranger who missed out on the most amazing parts of my life. A stranger who should have been my Dad!

To my “Father” ! you are forgiven and i wish you many blessings to come !