This letter was the hardest to write, and written over a few months time. I had a very difficult year 2017 and I felt like all the things that I assumed I had over come started to pop up out of no where. My hurt from a relationship, feeling unworthy of someones love, and feeling over all out of place in this world. I talked to God over and over about helping me figure out what I needed to do to see ME! To love ME. And he told me simply I needed to stop being afraid of my own greatness. The love I was looking for I already had within myself. The feelings of unworthiness came from carrying around the baggage of past lovers and friends who were not worthy of ME! He told me to forgive myself.
The moment I forgave myself I had everything I needed. I accepted that yes, I was a flawed woman, nor was I perfect, definitely made mistakes and I am still all that I ever needed. I am the Prize no matter how some may see me or feel about me. I cant allow the perception of others dictate the way I handle my worth. This letter still sits in my dresser as a reminder of where I have been. And every so often the plan is to update it and eventually leave them behind for my daughters to read. In order for them to understand that their mother struggled also but its the way I got up from everything that knocked me down that made me V!
The Fifth letter, of my “Letters in Healing” Series is to the person who gave me life. I definitely feel uncomfortable calling him “dad” just based on the simple fact that he wasn’t ever really a dad to me. I have had a off and on journey with him up until recently when I finally decided to just let him know how I truly felt about him and maintaining a dead relationship. I let him know I felt as though there was nothing that he could do for me besides be a grandfather to my children. Which his actions were just the same as him attempting to be a father to me. I let him know that for so many years I was angry with him for the things he lied about, the promises he made and didn’t keep and his lack of concern for me as his first born child. I blamed him for so many things that had gone wrong in my life with the thought, ” if you would have been here none of this would have happened.” Until I finally realized he also was battling his own demons and sadly enough he wasn’t ready to be man enough to face them. Just as he was not man enough to be a father to me ! I think at times we walk around being so angry at people who we make obligated to do things for the sake of our well being and the fact is everyone is obligated to their demons and we are all on different journeys.
Ultimately I made peace with not having a father in my life. I made peace with the fact that I turned out OK because my grandmothers prayers kept me safe and my mother sacrificed her life in order for me to have one of my own. I made peace with my hurt, my sadness, and embraced the peace I felt when I finally decided to cut ties with a man I felt was only toxic to my life and my children. I feel sometimes, ” fatherless” children hold on to so much pain from a person who was just not meant to be in their world. They hold on to what could be instead of what is. Never really understanding that sometimes peoples purpose in this world is not to be parents ; we just get caught in the cross fire. Everyone heals at their own pace and I know it took me a long time to accept the fact that I have only my mother and i’m OK with that. I’m OK with knowing that the one person who made herself available whenever I needed, wiped my tears , and raised me to be such a resilient woman remains here today all because she CHOSE the most fulfilling job of all and that was being a parent FIRST !! I chose to leave my father behind and not look back for the sake of ME! The relationship is not needed and to me he will always be a stranger bonded by blood. A stranger who missed out on the most amazing parts of my life. A stranger who should have been my Dad!
To my “Father” ! you are forgiven and i wish you many blessings to come !
I chose this topic because it is something that I am currently going through at the moment and i’m sure many other mothers and fathers can relate to it. I have two older children a boy (14) and a daughter (13) as of this year. They are starting to ask questions regarding my dating life, my past relationship with their father and even questions regarding the nature of my current relationship. I am very open and honest when I tell them about the things that I experienced. My good and even my bad experiences. I make sure to let them know; by me telling the truth about my personal experience is not to scare them away from dating but for them to understand that they are at a very impressionable age. Small things are so major in teenagers lives because they don’t grasp the concept of what love really is and all that work that takes to maintain a healthy relationship. They always make the same comment, “you had a boyfriend when you were a teenager.” And I let them know that they are absolutely correct but I inform them my mother never said that I couldn’t and i’m choosing to make different choices than my mother in order to have a different outcome for my children. No, this is not to say my mother was wrong for allowing us to date but I see what I went through so young and how it affected me and I just want differently for my own.
Its a few main things I make sure to go over:
Just because you are interested in someone now doesn’t mean you will be when you finally realize who you want to be and the life you want to live
Peer pressure in relationships or feeling obligated to have sex that you may not be ready for
Loss of focus on their goals and academics
mental or physical abuse that cant be determined as such
emotional damage from an early heart break that could damage them for years to come.
A lot of these reasons apply no matter what age, but my biggest is the teen pregnancy and the emotional damage and its because its something that I can speak about first hand. I had both of my children back to back at the age 17 and 18. I was in a relationship with their father and he wasn’t the best person. He was very emotionally damaging to the point I felt as if I would never find a person to love me the correct way. I allow my children to know that yes, we were both young and made mistakes between the both of us. But I harbored a lot of animosity toward men for a long time and i’m sure I pushed a lot of people away who had pure intentions. I didn’t trust anyone, I felt unworthy , and always waited for the ” bad things” to happen. I allow my children to know that being damaged so young can ruin good things in the future. My job is to protect them as best I can but also teach them the fundamentals of being in a healthy relationship, and what it looks like. For my son to understand that being a man of his word and always being honest is what he needs to learn the value of before feeling as though he is man enough to take on the responsibility of a relationship. I try to allow my daughter to understand that not all young men have pure intentions and even if they are good people at heart. Fitting in to what their friends feel is, ” cool” is more important than living up to the standards of a healthy relationship.
Putting themselves first, loving themselves and taking the time to explore the world in the right way is my hope for them. Of course I cant protect them from everything but if I teach them the value of self love they will save themselves a lot of trouble in the future.