As most of you know I gave birth to my youngest son a little over three months ago. And as joyous as this experience has been for others it has been a bit of a struggle for me ! I couldn’t really put my finger on what was going on with me emotionally. Of course moms always think that we will bounce back and go right back to our bodies before baby, that we will still feel sexy and that because we are already moms that we have got it all under control.
That is what I thought and I was 100% WRONG ! This pregnancy with my son was very difficult. I was in some of the worst pain in my life, and also my son was diagnosed with having only one kidney. So this along with all of the hormonal stuff , I started to noticed that I wasn’t as engaged as a new mother should be. Of course I did the feeding and diaper changes but my urge to not want to be around my baby or any of my babies for that matter became stronger. I started losing my interest in wanting to be affectionate with them . It just became this overwhelming feeling of ” LEAVE ME ALONE .”
I didn’t want to come out of my room , make dinner , or help them with anything . I honestly just wanted to hide from them. Of course me being the woman that I am as much as I had these feelings I was also feeling terrible about this. Like what sort of mother wouldn’t want to be around their children or hold their new baby. But it was just my reality. So I told my partner that I was not feeling like myself and of course I think he was just assuming I meant because I was being a mom to older children and staying up all hours of the night breastfeeding a new born.
But the feeling was deeper and naturally trying to convince myself nothing was wrong I kept bottling the feeling up and I started to become more irritable and snapping at everyone. On top of the fact that I was crying for EVERY little thing. I forgot my phone upstairs I’d start balling, or my baby would cry, and I was for sure crying louder and harder then he was.
All of this lead me to see my therapist and that’s when I realized what I have been feeling is Postpartum Depression . It was a very REAL thing. The saddest part was I sat and told myself ” this is not a BLACK woman thing” But in reality mental health issues don’t skip you because of your race. The fact of the matter is so many more women of color suffer from this and don’t get the right help or treatments. They live and suffer with this DAILY and yet they have no one. They don’t have the home support or family support. They cant afford the medications , or therapy sessions but most of the time they don’t want to have the shame behind saying that something is wrong with them and they need help.
Truth is we all need help and its OK to ask . I am not big on asking others for help and day to day is a struggle with trying to understand what is currently going on with me . I struggle to voice how I feel and allowing myself to be vulnerable in situations that I otherwise wouldn’t be. I had to accept the fact that If I didn’t take the steps forward to handle this situation that I wouldn’t be OK , my babies would suffer and ultimately this ” THING” would consume me.
My son is only three months old and i’m not sure how long this will take to get better. I am unsure how it started but I do know that I am willing to work through this and also let others know that getting help is important. To understand the symptoms.
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Crying spells
- Problems with memory and concentration
- Changes in sleep Pattern
- Altered eating patterns
- Socially withdrawn
- Loss of Libido
If you are feeling any of these things or just feeling Depressed in any way. PLEASE talk to someone and get the help that you need. We all go through things and it is OK for us to seek help and do whats best for ourselves even when we feel afraid to do so. Take the necessary steps for your mental health. You cant take care of anyone else unless you take care of YOU FIRST !
Affirmed Queen: Book Of Affirmations for the woman in Healing!
Affirmations, Writing Prompts, and Reflective Passages from ME; The Author
Growing older we as women start to wonder why it is we feel the way we feel. Why were sad , our lack of self-worth, or even the lack of trust we have in ourselves to make rational decisions without the assistance of others. Until way finally accept the fact that somewhere along the way all of our young days of making mistakes, not so good relationships and even our upbringing has a lot to do with the we view ourselves. We never really understand how or where to start. This is the same struggle I had with myself. So I decided to take the time to share some of the steps I took to self myself for self healing and acceptance.
Affirmation : ” The act or process of affirming something or being AFFIRMED “
I chose affirmations for myself and this book because simply it works. It’s a process of changing your mind-frame and the way we process how we see and feel about our-self. Taking the time to flush out negative thoughts and feelings and replace them with positive things and build self-esteem.
I took the time to insert letters, questions and feelings on my personal feelings. The way that I felt before and during my process of healing. How I handled certain things and situations as they came at me and simply invite the readers to understand that they are not alone and we all struggle and its OK to not always be OK!
Writing in a Journal or even writing myself little notes have become a form of healing. I feel if i get the negative thoughts out on paper they are removed from my mind and I have the space to ask myself why i feel this way and what can I do moving forward to change it. I entered pages in hopes that self reflection will allow my readers to learn to be vocal ( in a sense) about how they are feeling.
With this book I only hope that women understand how important it is to love themselves. To understand that loving themselves allows us to understand how to teach others to love us in the way we need. Not in the manner they feel we deserve.
Affirm your QUEENDOM!
This letter was the hardest to write, and written over a few months time. I had a very difficult year 2017 and I felt like all the things that I assumed I had over come started to pop up out of no where. My hurt from a relationship, feeling unworthy of someones love, and feeling over all out of place in this world. I talked to God over and over about helping me figure out what I needed to do to see ME! To love ME. And he told me simply I needed to stop being afraid of my own greatness. The love I was looking for I already had within myself. The feelings of unworthiness came from carrying around the baggage of past lovers and friends who were not worthy of ME! He told me to forgive myself.
The moment I forgave myself I had everything I needed. I accepted that yes, I was a flawed woman, nor was I perfect, definitely made mistakes and I am still all that I ever needed. I am the Prize no matter how some may see me or feel about me. I cant allow the perception of others dictate the way I handle my worth. This letter still sits in my dresser as a reminder of where I have been. And every so often the plan is to update it and eventually leave them behind for my daughters to read. In order for them to understand that their mother struggled also but its the way I got up from everything that knocked me down that made me V!
The Fifth letter, of my “Letters in Healing” Series is to the person who gave me life. I definitely feel uncomfortable calling him “dad” just based on the simple fact that he wasn’t ever really a dad to me. I have had a off and on journey with him up until recently when I finally decided to just let him know how I truly felt about him and maintaining a dead relationship. I let him know I felt as though there was nothing that he could do for me besides be a grandfather to my children. Which his actions were just the same as him attempting to be a father to me. I let him know that for so many years I was angry with him for the things he lied about, the promises he made and didn’t keep and his lack of concern for me as his first born child. I blamed him for so many things that had gone wrong in my life with the thought, ” if you would have been here none of this would have happened.” Until I finally realized he also was battling his own demons and sadly enough he wasn’t ready to be man enough to face them. Just as he was not man enough to be a father to me ! I think at times we walk around being so angry at people who we make obligated to do things for the sake of our well being and the fact is everyone is obligated to their demons and we are all on different journeys.
Ultimately I made peace with not having a father in my life. I made peace with the fact that I turned out OK because my grandmothers prayers kept me safe and my mother sacrificed her life in order for me to have one of my own. I made peace with my hurt, my sadness, and embraced the peace I felt when I finally decided to cut ties with a man I felt was only toxic to my life and my children. I feel sometimes, ” fatherless” children hold on to so much pain from a person who was just not meant to be in their world. They hold on to what could be instead of what is. Never really understanding that sometimes peoples purpose in this world is not to be parents ; we just get caught in the cross fire. Everyone heals at their own pace and I know it took me a long time to accept the fact that I have only my mother and i’m OK with that. I’m OK with knowing that the one person who made herself available whenever I needed, wiped my tears , and raised me to be such a resilient woman remains here today all because she CHOSE the most fulfilling job of all and that was being a parent FIRST !! I chose to leave my father behind and not look back for the sake of ME! The relationship is not needed and to me he will always be a stranger bonded by blood. A stranger who missed out on the most amazing parts of my life. A stranger who should have been my Dad!
To my “Father” ! you are forgiven and i wish you many blessings to come !
In this fourth letter I shed light on my toxic friendships, and how much I allowed them to affect me. I allowed them to make me into a person that I wasn’t. I allowed the judgement of jealous” friends” dictate how I felt about myself and hinder me from the things that I felt were best for ME. Based simply on the fact that I didn’t want to be judged because my preferences and my life choices were different from theirs. I was absolutely taken advantage of in many ways and that brought me way down. To the point I had to separate myself from them. Of course I became the bad guy and the reason I removed myself became a whole big thing of he/she say and of course slandering my name. And no i’m not a victim and nor was I innocent; but when I decided to part ways I was only doing what was best for myself. I did what I needed to do in order to make room for people who were going to be an asset to my dreams, bring positive energy into my world and teach me things as a woman and mother that I just wasn’t getting from these friends. I needed people who genuinely had my best interest at heart. So I chose myself. When I wrote this letter I had two old friends in mind. They were around the longest and yet the most toxic but they never really understood that because their egos got in the way of having meaningful conversation or throwing their actions on me.
When I understood that friends I’ve had for years ; weren’t really my friends at all it made it was easier for me to move on. It helped me to flourish as an individual and spot the red flags in people who use the ” friend” word too loosely. Burning the letter allowed me to release the obligation and loyalty I felt I had for them, it allowed the secrets we shared to burn into ashes and fly away in the nights sky. The only hope I ever had/have for these individuals is they realize that being a friend takes more than a picture posted on social media, or a quick ride to the gas station. It takes the ability to be selfless !
Welcome to the third letter in my ” Letters in Healing” Series. This letter was one that was difficult to write. There was one person that I harbored sooooo much anger toward. She made my skin crawl just to hear her name. I despised the thought of her. She had a part of my heart that I felt I would never get back. No , not from infidelities as many would imagine. Just an unfortunate situation that happened in the midst of space apart. Were all adults and we some times have to take time apart in order to grow as individuals. We have to realize what we have, if its worth the fight , and how to go about preserving the love that sometimes we feel may be lost at times in a long-term relationship. After all that happened I had to sit with myself, cry, scream and come to accept what hurt me. But also I had to make the choice to either forgive this person or continue to allow this person to have a place in MY world that she never really held in the first place. I forgave. Not for him, but for me! Also, for “HER” ! I felt a sense of sympathy for the person she is, who she needs to still allow herself o grow into, and I found myself thanking her for being everything needed in order to show “US” both what we needed to do in order to maintain longevity.
After reading this letter over and over. I finally came to the realization that my place was never taken. It was never compromised; merely a wake up call to what was needed in my life. This was vulnerability. Being able to show my heart, say how I felt, and not be afraid to be happy with someone who only had intentions to love me in all the correct ways. Which was something until meeting “HIM,” I had never experienced. See we all play a part in the things that happen in our world. Even if we don’t want to take the time to admit it. I accepted my fear of happiness pulled us apart. But the determination to love unconditionally brought us back together !
To “HER”, you are forgiven! and Thank you!
Happy Monday!! The second letter in my series; is a letter I wrote in light of my own personal turmoil ! I was in a situation with people I felt were friends. I felt “safe” and come to find out I wasn’t. I was sexually assaulted. I woke up confused and the person responsible acted as if everything was OK and he had done nothing. Of course shameful and not clearly grasping what happened to me I kept the incident to myself. (As many survivors of assault do.) I had to learn to forgive someone who was not sorry for their actions, forgive myself for being shameful for something that I was not responsible for , and pray for Mercy upon this person.
With this letter my goal was to face reality and fully accept things for what they were. It has taught me to be cautious in all situations and be mindful who I call friends. My hopes with sharing this letter is that other woman confront the things that have happened to them and be able to forgive those who have done them harm , for themselves , and continue to pray mercy for those who will need it.